I am ... in 2006

Today is the last day of 2006. I still find it hard to believe that this year went by THAT quickly. Everything felt like a fleeting moment; like walking on water, like going through peak hour on the streets of HK.

I looked through my journals and blog to try to remember what 2006 is all about. Nothing much happened; nothing huge or significant. 2006 is a year of in between jobs, taking chances, and living a dream. In retrospect 2006 is more like a preparation for what comes next, be it career, love and relationships, and life in general.

There were moments where I lost vision of where I wanted to be. I confused common sense with adult maturity. For some time I was trying to become someone I was not; in the name of reponsibility and growing up. I had my heart broken. I had my trust betrayed. I doubted myself. I learned to love and let go, took a chance and lost, but learned a greater lesson of acceptance. I learned to give in and be totally honest with myself, even if it means hurting some people along the way.

September was a big month. It marked a renewal of spirit which lingers on to this very day as I'm ushering in the new year. The rest of the year after September went by like magic. It was in surrendering that things started to happen. Good things. Very good things. I am lucky. I am blessed and forever grateful for everything that had happened in 2006.

I have a good thing going... and I'm taking on 2007 with a big bang!!

More Crimson on My World

Those who are following this blog know my travel obsession. Therefore this updated world map of the places I've been would not be a new thing. It's just updated a little bit, giving me the extra push to keep on dreaming - that someday my whole world will be crimson coloured.



create your own visited country map

A LITTLE BIT OF HOPE

How well do you know someone before you can make a good judgement of character? If you happen to be wrong, is it a case of bad call? Or people simply change?

It has always been instinctive for me. I have a certain "people radar" that protects me from people -- It doesn't always pick up vibes from everyone, but rather it picks up bad vibes and warn me to be careful. It has been argued that the "radar" can be mistaken, especially when there is emotion involved. When it comes to love and relationship, the radar might not work as well for various reasons. It might worked and be ignored, or it might be giving wrong signals.

Recent break ups in various relationships in 2006 brought me to the questions above. When one is about to put one's heart at stake, is seemingly good character enough? Is our judgement good enough? Or do we need to seek validation from our closest ones? How much does validation from others influence our decision? When we are in love (... or at least think that we are) can we be trusted to judge someone else's character?

We'd like to think that our decisions to be with someone are informed decisions; made not under duress, cleared from the flowery mist of love. But good decisions don't always give a happy ending, more often than not there are tears and heart break. Unfortunately there is no easy answer for the many questions above.

Tears and heart break never fails to teach us something about other people. Pain and loneliness make us appreciate small acts of kindness from others. When people change, we learn to adapt and accept people for the way they are. Only when these things happened to us we can hope that we would be better judge of characters. That next time, it would be less painful and a little more easier.

We can only hope...
P.S. For my girls who are continuously searching for that little bit of hope..

Post Cristmas Blues

This morning I arrived back in Jakarta after spending 2 days in a small town of Magelang, Central Java. The sky was dark. Drops of rain were falling with constant speed accompanied by the cool breeze of the rainy season. It's christmas weather alright, and I'm still stuck in holiday mode.

Christmas is an annual tradition for my family, both from my mother and father's side. It becomes more important than ever this year since my grandmas are getting older and they become less and less social; the presence of their children and their children's children (... even if we don't really talk) is already a joy to them.

This Christmas, my two aunties are grandmothers themselves, and another auntie is expecting to be a grandmother in a few months. I watch as a new generation of my family is unfolding, the older one is retreating slowly. There are more reminiscing of the days when the children were young; sometimes memories get jumbled up and their comments turn silly. We laughed at them when events suddenly took a wrong chronological order and conversations almost always ended up in the latest trend in health supplements. We make fun of them being older.

My dad is the youngest in his family, and the possibility of him turning a grandfather is still miles away. Being a grandparent is like a milestone of old age. As I observed my aunties and uncles and how they are now that they're retired, I can't help imagining what my parents will be like when they reach that stage. I think being older is cool,.. when you're 30-40-50-60 but once you get to 60, I begin to think that it's not so cool anymore. And I can't help thinking of how my parents would feel 10 years down the road.

Stayin' Alive

MA came back from Sydney to spend Christmas with her family and also to catch up with her beloved school friends who's been with her since that fated day of her accident. She had came back to Jakarta twice since then and she's more alive than ever. I remember a night in Singapore when I received the phone call from her sister about her accident. MA was in a hospital with 78% 3rd degree burns on her body and nobody knew if she was going to live. Friends gathered together, signed cards, videotaped words of encouragements -- being there, giving her more reasons to live.

She said last night that she's sure that she was meant to live. In retrospect, it was a good thing that she just came out of the shower and wore nothing when the hot oil spilled all over her. If she had been wearing clothes, they would stick on her and it would've been more painful. She also said that now she's sure that no other pain could be worse than what she had gone through; she mentioned something about going through 10 child labour or something of that effect. 2 years after the accident, she could finally take off her body suit. Her skin has grown completely and it has a smooth surface; scarred all over but still a sucessful skin grafting procedure. She said that she hated the way her body looks, they way it has a funky temperature at times, but she's just happy that she's alive.

Last night we gathered once again, to celebrate the life we have and the friendship we keep, and to cherish time: the past, the present and the future.

Commodification of Christmas

Regardless of whether or not one celeberates Christmas, it's hard to escape the holiday season. Special ocassions mean new marketing scheme; I receive a text message from my telecom provider that said that I can choose my christmas ring back tone to get the feeling of the season and along with my latest credit card bill, I have tons of "christmas promotions" sale of gadgets and bags and other stuff. Using the cliche of christmas is the time for giving, retailers and bussines alike bombard customers with list of things to buy, dressed in the red and green of christmasy colours. Even in the nearby supermarket, the deli is putting up a sign saying "Have more time for your family and let us prepare your Christmas dinner" -- you can place an order of roast ham, stuffed chicken and things like that at a nifty price. And yet as I flipped over my morning newspapers, I see full pages of "Merry Christmas" ads from banks, telecom companies with images of friends, family, togetherness and good old traditional Christmas values.

As christmas shopping and gift giving works its magic in full force, creating headaches of what to buy for who, how much, when -- faetryn shared a brilliant idea, "Instead of getting each other gifts, we adopted a family and got gifts for the family members who are obviously much more in need than we are. Because like Vancouver-C said, we don't really need anything, we're used to just buying what we want. And if you and your friends pool together you really can buy gifts for a family of 8!!! And probably still spend less than you would getting each of your friends a gift. Last year i asked friends to not get me gifts and to let me not buy them gifts - instead let's just donate to charities of our choice."

I think that's a bloody good idea. At the very least I like the idea of not surrendering to the numerous christmas catalogue flooding my mailbox.

My Choice

Recently a well-known religious figure in this country decided to take on a second wife. This act caused such an uproar within the nation; even if the decision is personal, the person who made it belongs to the public, or at least seen to be and everybody feels that they had a right to say something. It brought up the polygamy issue; a word scorned by most women around the globe.

When is one is not good enough? Is it really about sharing your life and love? Is it about greed? Whatever happens to one true love? It is a betrayal?

As part of the personal, polygamy is what it is. A personal decision that shouldn't be interfered. If the other woman can not accept then she should make her own decisions, too. The same goes if she decides to accept the new woman in her husbands life, it should be celebrated as her ability to make a choice albeit an unpopular one. I'd probably be betrayed, angry and sad if it happens to me-- but rather than talking about how wrong or right polygamy is, it is more important to respect the woman's right to choose.

Last weddings of 2006

December 13, 2006

Another bride, another groom, another sunny honeymoon, another season, another reason to makin' whoppe...

Last weekend I had the pleasure of once again jetsetting to another country for another wedding. In KL, Malaysia -- a small contigent from Jakarta attended a wedding of ex-colleagues of mine. No rain nor traffic jam could deter us from going; after all that was the only reason for me to be there. We had a great after party and the look on the couple's faces that night made you want to go, "ooooooooow... so sweeet..."

The next day, still hung over from the wedding of the night before I left for Bali for my best friend's wedding. A small affair in comparison to the 600 guests of the night before, and yet intimate and classy. The groom was acting goofy and being his usual silly self; a little too much that we refered to him as the 12 years old groom. The wife must be used to all his antics because despite his stupid acts, she stood there all smiling still marrying the guy. I love him dearly, but sometimes I wonder how she can stand him. After a while, the acts wear off a little and you can see a little love between the two. I didn't go gaga over them but I couldn't help uttering a little sigh of relief. He might be the 12 years old groom, but he was still the groom.

There's something about weddings outside Jakarta that I adore. It's the intimacy of the affair, because they're generally smaller in number (... yes even compared to the 600 guests of the KL wedding). One can't help feeling like your presence matters in sharing the couple's happiness. Three cheers for you people who got me jetsetting from one wedding to another this year! Sindy-Colin in LA, Sarah-Joe in Philly, Fatin-Shah in KLi!! Congratulations!! Best Wishes!! And whatever else you say to newy weds...

In as much as I love going to international weddings, I'm also kinda glad last weekend was the last wedding weekend I have to attend for a while..

In Search of Love

At a pre-wedding dinner party the girls talk about the wedding preparation, the dress, the venue, the reception, anything that is wedding related. On the far side of the table where the guys are seated, the conversation is the total opposite. Boys talk about everything else but the wedding. They try to not remind the groom that in a few days, he will no longer be a member of the single male species who roams about the wonderful forest girls.

I watch as the bride and groom interact throught dinner. The groom is my best friend, the bride is sometimes jealous of me still. I try to find traces of undying love and devotion among the two. I fail miserably. Which makes me wonder, why marry at all then?

In the era where divorces are plenty, and kids are used to broken homes and 2 pairs of parents why get married when you're not even sure if you love that person? Or even when you know that you don't love that person? There is no simple answer for this. One person said, "I was pregnant and I didn't want my child to born out of wedlock so I marry him..." The other said, "I can tolerate her. I'm comfortable, what more can you ask?" Another said, "He takes care of me. I know that I'll be set for life when I marry him..."

Funny that. I thought I'd hear a bit more about love and relationship and being together and ladidadida. It seems that marriages in the modern age are ones that are based on practical reasons. It is a form of economics; a validation of adulthood. It saddens me to see that the bride marry the groom because she thinks that it's the right thing to do, that even if he's not sure of his love for her... her love will be enough to carry them through. It saddens me that they enter this new stage in their love without really knowing each other. It saddens me that no matter how much more advanced we are, love doesn't always win.

The Rain and Rubber Time

This will not be the first time for me to speak about the Indonesian concept of rubber time. To be completely harsh, it's a total disregard of other people's time and such a selfish thing to do, but alas... Jakarta traffic can be a real bitch. Due to El Nino and other climate changes, the rainy season is starting quite late this year. The city has been bathed in heat and unbearable striking hot sun for longer than usual. Come Oct-Nov, the people of Jakarta has to deal with pouring rain that resulted in a bit of flooding and then heavy traffic jam.

I was meeting my family for lunch as today is my mother's birthday. My dad insisted on meeting at 12 and yet he rocked up 40 minutes late. My brother was close to an hour late. "Traffic" was the excuse they all used. Maybe it was not an excuse, maybe there was really traffic. And today it rains like cats and dogs. Rubber time!!! I hate rubber time!! ... but it's the rain... All of a sudden you have to understand.

My new job does not require me to be mobile. Today is an exception and I was really proud of myself for being able to schedule all my outside meetings in one day in perfect order. I did not factor in the rain though. As a result my second meeting was delayed by an hour (luckily, the other party was also late...) and now, I have to wait out 3 in 1. By the way, 3 in 1 is a car pooling system where you need to have 3 people in 1 car between 0700-1000 and 1630-1900 whilst traveling on certain main roads.

And once again I have to understand that once the rain pours in this city, it's act as an automatic switch to rubber time. How flexible time becomes would depend on how much rain pours. Sigh.

Shameless Self-Promotion

I BEG YOUR PRADA by Alexandra Dewi & Cynthia Agustina - at your nearest bookstores! Going on reprints...

Getaway

Last week I traveled again. My encounter with airports and planes this year is not complete yet. There are a few more trips to do after last weekend and although I sometimes complain about the never ending journeys (... where I always got people rolling their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief at how lucky I am), secretly I cherish every moment of it. Because until I'm done this year, my feet are still not on the ground. They're still fleeting between places and Jakarta stays as a concept of place rather than a place itself.

Being back in Jakarta can be quite bizarre, especially if it means a new job, a new vocation, a new lifestyle, a new opportunity -- many things new. That was why I took an offer from a friend to meet up in Bali gladly. Nothing like a chance to overdose on good company, great atmosphere and getting a tan whilst doing all of the above.

Last weekend was where nothing and everything happened. The sun, the water, the company and everything that was Bali soaked me wet and left me knackered. Tired. But satisfied. My soul was refreshed and as if it knew, work came in full blown today.

I guess I can take it...

How Do You Heal a Broken Heart

Break ups are crap with a capital C. There is never a good recipe to heal them, but often misery loves company. It always helps to have that extra pair of ears, and a hand to hold. Just until the wound stops bleeding and healing begins. Here's to moving on...

It was 5 years ago when he came into my life, took me like a roll of thunder, blasted all my insides as if there was no tomorrow. He was manly and charming. A man and a boy all in the one physique. A person of many talents, intelligence and blunt honesty. His words cut through you like a double sided blade. His humour a mixture of dark British irony and silly Rowan Atkinson slapstick. A man, who despite of his imperfection, was a perfect match for me.

I didn’t think I have ever fallen in love before I met him. I didn’t realize that I was in love until he left me. It must had been a combination of pure arrogance and pride that made me capable of holding my head up high and despite the tears in my eyes, pulled a forced smile and said, “Understanding is not a problem. People falls in love, people falls out of love. Accepting is another thing. Please leave…” He dared not look me in the eye. Guilt and shame was radiating from him. His head hung down low as he made his way out of my apartment. I didn’t know such pain exist until that moment. There were so many things that reminded me of him, of us, of our beautiful times together. There were just too many. I cried every day for a week. It was hard. Not only that I had to deal with my own pain, I also had to explain to my friends why I was not in the mood to go out, why he was not around, why I had such a sad look on my face all the time. And every time, whenever I had to explain what happened, I would cry again without fail. Cry baby.

Pain 101. At the age of 30. What could I say? I’ was a late bloomer.

My girl friends started to create a list for me.

10 Things To Do after a Severe Break Up:

1. Go on a retail therapy – Celine drove to my place from her house in the outer suburb to make sure I had enough dosage of shopping. The car stereo was blasting Madonna’s Material Girl. Superficiality was the only thing that mattered at this stage.

2. Re-told the break up stories enough times until you stop crying

3. Make sure that you don’t binge on snacks and put on lots of weight upon the break up. Make sure you lose your appetite instead of gaining them. You’d look even more fabulous than before.

4. Spent some money in getting a ‘real’ haircut. Depending on the severity of the break up, you might want to invest on a different colour, too. Going blonde should be considered as a last option.

5. Have an early spring cleaning (provided you didn’t break up in spring). Get rid of all the stuff that might make you cry (again…) and arrange your wardrobe that only sexy, slinky, elegant, savvy type of wardrobe is required.

6. Spend lots of time with your girl friends, as girls hanging out in a group seem to attract more attention from the opposite sex.

7. try not cry

8. Forget that you want to cry

9. you’re not crying anymore

10. NOT CRY!

While you were away

In the last 8 days, I've lost count on how many times I used the sentence, "... but I was only away for 4 weeks!"

Somebody got a new job after being unemployed for 6 months. Two friends are getting divorced. One girl broke up with her partner. Someone had a birthday. Another girl had a fall out with her boyfriend and decided to move to UK. An ex-client turned tour guide. A friend came out, his whole family knows that he's gay and loves him still. A company closed. A mate forgot this thing called a condom existed and knocked up her girlfriend, whom he doesn't love, pregnant. People resigned. A friend dated and ended his relationship with an-ex friend of mine. A colleague went back to her old job because she needed a stable income. The book sells. My friend slept with her boss and did not know what to do. Whilst refusing her girlfriend's hand in marriage, a mate left his dog at her place. An account nearly lost. A holiday got cancelled. My family went to Thailand. Somebody decided to get married for the second time. All in the time that I was away.

The list goes on and on. In the last 8 days, I've been sad, happy, amazed, shocked, grateful, proud, touched because all of the above. A little over 4 weeks and it feels like I need a lifetime to catch up with all of that.

Back... a year later

Exactly one year ago, a post was written in a Sydney suburbia announcing a long commercial break from blogworld. A few weeks after, another post was written about being back, and broke. It's a real pattern with my life. Hahaha...

Good to know that some things never change.

Harsh Realities #1

A: I don’t give people chances. I let things happen naturally. I allow things to take its normal course, an effortless effort if I may… Initially I thought I could get use to the love and attention, but after some time it feels suffocating. I hate it when in the name of being considerate I have to be dishonest. I deny my own feeling and gave in to “niceness”. That’s not the way a relationship supposed to be, and if I can’t be completely openly and brutally honest with someone, then that someone is not for me.

B: Honesty is important. But you must also understand that a relationship takes compromise.

A: I completely in agreement with you. However, that compromise must come willingly. When it comes to you, I feel like I am obliged to you – because you are nice, kind, and loving and posses the qualities that a partner should have. You are all of that and more, and yet you are not for me.

B: What if I say I’m going to try to let the love runs free and not suffocating you? Just enjoying the moment?

A: I can’t see how you can do that. That’s a contradicting statement. You let your love runs free and it suffocates me. When you hold back, you’re not being honest to yourself. I can’t handle all that love. At the very least I think not at the moment … And there’s no telling when, if ever I can deal with your love.

B: What are you trying to say?

A: That despite your great qualities, I think this whole thing we’re having has to stop. I can’t love you the way you love me. It’s not about you; it’s just not meant to be maybe. We can’t even be friends – we couldn’t be friends because it was overcome by emotions too fast, too soon.

B: Is this goodbye?

A: Is there a point of ending something that never really started?

My First Time

My first time in Hong Kong. My first time in Hong Kong Disneyland. My first time in a few other things...

Linking Lucky Travels

I was with LAC 3 weeks out of the 4 weeks I was travelling around US and Canada. I missed out writing about the Philly wedding, so those who are interested can just read about the account on her blog, together with her other journeys. Lucky. I'm very lucky, too.

Here's us with the Philly bride...

And oh, here's LAC with the double hydrants.

Home Again

It was one week ago that I landed back in Jakarta. Tired. All consumed and wasted from the travel liquor. After 3 loads of laundry and screwed up biorhytm, I had to pack again and check out some business in another country. I'm in another foreign land (once again) for business.

America is a land of dreams; where anyone can come and try out their luck, and history has proven that hard work borne fruitful results. It is a country where everyone comes from somewhere sometime in their history. And despite economic hardships, social unrests, class struggle and global challenges, the dreams never die. They come in the form of a French immigrant wanting to experience constant sunshine in California, the Chinese parent who arrived in the midwest knowing very little English because he wants to give his children a better education, the Ecuadorian missionary wanting to raise fund for his cause, the Indonesian who chose his future over his family back home. These stories are everywhere. These people build the great American stories of perseverance and hard work.

4 weeks in North America changed my perception of the USA. I realised that even if USA's foreign policies and actions globally are questionable, they don't tell us anything about the American people. Political statements and media rhetorics can not be translated to what the nation is all about. It is not about defending USA in any point, but more of an awakening that sometimes we throw judgements without enough information. We formed an opinion based on hear say.

Once I was home, I was also faced with numerous enveleopes. Bills. Things that needed to paid. Sigh. It is time to face the demons of my travels; the good meals and the excellent wine, that little memento bought on the side of the street. It is time to stay put and work, once again so I can go away again.

Until next time. Until the next trip.

The joys of travel

Those who know me well are well aware of my extensive travel in the last 3 years. My first trip just unleashed an addiction that is uneasy to satisy. However, despite the tight budget, tiring journeys and the constant fight to find time, I found myself smile with a certain unexplainable pride when I get to see things like below. It's the same art piece, by the same artist. One is hanging in the Guggenheim Museum Bilbao, Spain and the other above the Great Stair Hall in The Philadelphia Art Museum (yes.. the one with the Rocky steps).

Film Production Junkie

Will Smith was shooting his latest blockbuster inside the HUGO BOSS boutique on Fifth Avenue, NYC. The whole block was closed and production gears were all around. Huge HMIs on scissors lift and crane. Cool stuff. Huge trailers for production office, huge grip trucks, catering stuff. Cameras lying around. Exciting!! Sorry, I'm easily excited...

MORE

At the end of it all, travelling is about an experience. It is whatever you feel in that moment, in that particular place listening to a significant sound around you, smelling the air of that place, and be grateful that you are there. It is addictive. It makes you crave for more. You want your experience to become plural.

You simply want more.

Life Imitates Art

Sunday, October 15
Today is Broadway Day. New York is Broadway and as cheesy as they are, you can't help falling for musicals. I know I can't help myself. I love them. I wanted to be one of them. I think that being able to sing and dance and entertain people is one of life's greatest gift and I admire those who can. Broadway is THE place for it. There are tons of show to watch and at some point you have to make a choice; and I chose the classics. RENT. One thousand twenty five thousand six hundred minutes. For a play that originated in the early 90s, it is amazing how relevant it is still today. Mark Cohen, who used work as an excuse to hide himself from failure of living. Maureen and Joanne who has to work on the intricacies of a relationship; be it same sex or straight and all the power play that comes with it. Mimi and Roger with past baggage needing to move on to the present. Drugs. HIV. Death. At some point of my life, I was one of those characters -- working and trying to deal with all sorts of issues which ultimately becomes a quest of finding love. To search for love of oneself, for others, for your significant other. To seek love.

I can relate to that.

CHICAGO. It is a musical that relies heavily on the performers and they were the best of the best. There was no fancy set design, no crazy costumes just talented performers singing, dancing, acting to their best. Great choreography, and fantastic lighting design. These are the exact reasons why I love theatre. For a few hours, I was transported to a different world. I was reminded of why I love theatre.

I should get back to that.

Out in New York

Friday, October 13

If I left my heart in San Francisco, then I dream about New York. It took 3 hours of bad traffic getting into the city, but the moment I could see the Manhattan skyline there was a smile that was impossible to erase from my face. My friend who met me at the station would looked at me from time to time and said, "Man, I still can't believe little Cynthia is in New York!!" Lil' Cynthia?? Okay, he's allowed to say that because he knew me when I was 19 and I was working as an intern and I was his assistant. It was a looooong time ago, but there I was -- all the way into NYC for his birthday party.

I could say that I went out in New York. It was a real night out in New York, with lots of booze and copious amount of fun and numerous photos to prove it. We came back at 5am. I couldn't remember the last time we were out till that late, and we went out early, too! When it comes to having fun, nothing beats good company and that we had plenty of.

Conversations about Vancouver with the 3C's

It rains in Vancouver. It is the soft rain that creates discomfort, but not enough to take you off work. As part of Canada it has serious passion for ice hockey; Canuks tickets are hard to get and expensive. It has the ocean and the mountains; and great mountains to hike on, too!

So the conversation goes like this... Between Indo C and LA C whilst walking towards dog beach.
C: This is nice
C: Vancouver is nice.
C: Uh huh
C: I could sooo moved here
C: Me, too
C: Wanna move here?
C: We should move here.
C: Let's move here
C: We're going to move here
....... and the Vancouver C laughs at us.

Shots of San Francisco

San Francisco reminds me of how nice it is to belong somewhere, to be a part of something and learn to find contentment in the things that you have. It is about looking in the right places for love and never take things for granted.

I left my heart in San Francisco

I left my heart in San Francisco. Is that the title of a song? It wasn't my first visit to the city but after the last 4 days, you can say that I fell in love with it for the second time. I only vaguely remember my first visit when I was 13. I remember the cool breeze and the 'niceness' of the place and simply loving it. This time around, it because of something completely different; SF reminds me of one my homes.

It was not architecture. It was a little bit of weather, a little bit ouf tourists, but most of all it was the whole feeling of it. San Francisco breathes a different air of classy laid back creativity, where people enjoy life and live it. I ended up comparing streets and areas to Melbourne, and being in San Francisco made me wanted to go back to Melbourne. Technically I love it because for the moment it's a substitute for something else; almost like a rebound. But I would still say that I left my heart in San Francisco. Given the time, it could be one of my many homes and then it would stop being a rebound city.

Moments

Brief encounters are amazing. People are fascinating. It never cease to amaze me how human beings can connect to each other at a very basic level. Of course, there are certain physical elements to that. Initial attractions are always physical. In the beginning it almost reduces human qualities back to pre-historic times. Whatever comes naturally. Live in the moment. Savours what is now.

I see those lips moving; words come out from them. My mind is like a void with noises flying in and out creating a bizarre consciousness. I thought to myself, "You are very kissable..." and not realising that I spoke my thoughts. Those lips stop moving. A pair of blue eyes staring intently into mine. Suddenly he entered my world through silence. Almost telepathic; exchanging chemicals, neutrons, energy or something. Or something.

I watch silence grows amongst us. Not uncomfortable, just... peaceful. It is a momentarily contentment that you get out of living the moment. Living it now.

LA is for happily ever after

I have said enough about LA, about the weather and a little bit about the wedding. Let the pictures speak a thousand words. Instead of having numbers on the tables, Sindy and Colin had keywords in three languages to mark them. Guess what ours was... We were on the friendship table. That's what you get for knowing each other for so long, and of course booking your overseas friends' 12 months in advance or in Sarah's case, making sure that her wedding is close enough to Sindy's so I can go, too. Friendships do that to people.

Passionately Consuming LA

North America has been good to me so far. The American west coast does have the perfect weather for living; it is no surprise that people flock from all over the world for the consistent sunshine and general coolness. As a person of the tropics, Los Angeles and San Francisco weather comes as a real blessing. I love the fact that I have to wear a few layers of clothing, jackets and things like that. I love the fact that I don't sweat all day. I love the fact that my face will not be oily the whole day.

LA is kinda pretencious; people look pretty everywhere (after all half the city is models or actors and the other half are models/actors wanna be). My friend said that she needs to move to a place that has less attractive people. Yes, my dear friend is still single and she feels that her chances in this big city is slowly diminishing as she grows older but that's another story. The other frustrating thing about LA is how it is impossible to navigate if you don't have a car. The feeling of dependency and immobility is not something I'm used to. The best thing about LA is work; especially if you are like me and you belong to the film production or media and entertainment. I was fortunate to visit a few facilities and met someone who belongs to the same industry and it was just rocking! It's friggin Hollywood. The buzz of the place is incredible!! It makes me tick, because here you're part of a grand masterplan.

I suppose it's the constant pull of positive and negative that makes the city so amazing. Before I saw the LA production people and facilities, I didn't really like the city at all. The moment I got a peek (... literally, a peek) I came to life. Some people call it consuming passion.

P.S. And I slept on the best bed ever!! Even if only for 2 nights...

The Big Day

Sindy and Colin
September 30th, 2006
California

"Somebody once said that the key to succesful marriage is to fall in love over and over again continuously... and to keep serving each other in love..." Three cheers for everlasting friendship, love and living happily ever after.

In Tokyo

TechChickRock

The itinerary reads CGK-SIN-NRT-LAX.

10 hours in Singapore was well spent in random conversation about life and career (that happens when I meet people from the industry), a te-o at a mamak stall completed with entertaining drunk Singaporeans on the street -- chair bashing and all, to taking pictures of Dali's sculptures.

Narita, Tokyo was only 2 hours and I thought what would be more appropriate than joining the ranks of businessmen in suits in opening their laptops and get connected with the rest of the world. As I logged into MSN messenger, it felt like I never left. It felt really cool.

I feel like I'm part of this uber cool gang of technochicks who's traveling to save the world and raise awareness on importance of being connected and to be technologically trendy.

You must excuse me. I'm typing this amidst the snoring sounds made by the passenger next to me and I'm desperate to finish this post since I'm running out of battery. Long flight does that to you.

Until LAX...
Sep 22, 2006

Past to Present

an excerpt from Eco's "The Mysterious Flame of Queen Loana"

"You're saying you no longer live in time. We are the time we live in. We live in three moments of expectation, attention, and memory, and none of them can exist without the others. You can't stretch towards the future because you've lost your past."

"I'm holding a long note, like a stuck record, and since I can't remember the opening notes, I can't finish the song. I wonder what it is I'm supposed to finish, and why. While I was singing without thinking I was actually myself for the duration of my memory... I think a pianist works that way, too; even as he plays one note he's readying his fingers to strike the keys that come next. Without the first notes, we won't make it to the last ones, we'll come untuned, and we'll succeed in getting from start to finish only if we somehow contained the entire song within us. I don't know the whole song anymore. I'm like... a burning log. The log burns, but it has no awareness of having once been part of a whole trunk nor any way to find out that it has been, or to know when it caught fire. So it burns up and that's all. I'm living in pure loss."

Being in between at this moment often brings me to reflect upon the past and how it shapes my present. As I started reading Eco's latest work, I was reminded of how important our past is to our present and our future. I shall dwell and read more. You'll read more about Eco soon.

... somewhere above the Atlantic.

RANDOMNESS

Sorry, attributing the mess to jet-lag and inregulated internet connection. I promise that I will be more chronological next time.

LA Weekend

Today is the end of my first overseas weekend. The City of Angels is yet to work its charm for me, but I'm sure my time will come as I start tomorrow being businessy and meeting people and stuff, and hopefully get a feel of what living here is like.

Rewind.

Fri, Sep 22

I arrived in LA on Friday morning. Immediately things went wrong. My luggage, yeah the only luggage that I have got lost somewhere and they couldn't figure out where. (All I had was a number and small toiletries kit with an aplogy from MW). My mom's kolintang trainer was called in to immigration for more questioning (that delayed our departure from the airport for about an hour) and the guy who picked us up was really annoying. We went to lunch straight away, joined by my dad and his friends. We parted after and continued to be driven around Hollywood Hills, Grauman Chinese theatre, Rodeo Dr, Wilshire Blvd, etc, etc. Typical. Experienced LA traffic. Sucked. Got to the hotel and the key cards kept failing. I needed to go back to the reception desk 3 times. I wasn't having a good first day. I'm just tired, grumpy and without clean clothes. Can't really blame me for being grumpy.

Sat, Sep 23

Cal picked me up early in the morning. She had to be back by 11am because it was her roomate's baptism that day. I met her roomies; they're all really cool chicks and went to the beach for the baptism and then we all went back to the house for lunch. It was a really nice party. Lotsa people came and I got to know some of Cal's friends. Yeah, hangin out with the locals...No news from NW. Still hanging out in borrowed clothes. People cleared the house around 3pm and a few horus later Cal, Katie, Priya and I decided to walk to Venice Canals. Sigh. It was an amazing voyeuristic walk into people's homes. Great designs, cozy homes, great view. Another sigh. A mexican take out completed the day.

Sun, Sep 24

Mosaic was amazing. I heard an amazing sermon; something that hasn't happened for a while, but then again I haven't really been going. Finally got something from NW, it will reach me from about 1pm. Cal gathered some people together to go to the Abbott Kinney Street Festival, but because we had to wait for my luggage people kinda dropped out. Sorry Cal! Had lemonade and had the best pizza this side of town (according to Cal) and did plenty of walking. The weather was soooo nice. It was sunny but fresh and cool. It was beautiful to be outside. I got Erwin to join us and ended up hangin with him the whole day. It was good seeing people you haven't seen for a while. Even if in actuality you really haven't seen him for more than 10 years.

Here I am typing senseless words about my last few days. I can't write anything profound just yet. There are a few things I'd like to write about but I need to ponder on it a little bit more, hopefully tomorrow I'll get to catch up on some writing and let you all feel my LA impression.

Until tomorrow...

Airport

Generally I love airports; or rather the idea of what the place brings. It is a connecting point for air travel and if I'm there it can only mean one thing. I'm traveling again. There can't be anything wrong with it because generally it means going to a new place, or simply someplace else. A change of scenery. That can only be a good thing.

For the next few weeks this blog will be filled with stories from the American coast as I made my way from the sunshine coast of California to scenic Canada and back into the cosmopolitan New York. It will be the Jakarta's girl tale into the crazy world of uncle Sam and you know what, despite my dislike for USA.. I'm very very very excited.

Airport does that to me. Travel gives me the butterflies in my stomach.

A few hours of fame

I was a celebrity for a few hours yesterday. At least I got to learn about what those celebrities feel like when flash lights and journalists bug you for a never ending photo-op and interview requests. Ha! That wasn't fun at all. It was for a book launch and we were 2 nobodys and yet the media was doing their job.

My friends were teasing me about being a famous author and a celebrity and stuff. Thwy do that because they knew that it would get to me. They know how much I despise these 'celebrities' and their moments of fame; of how often people received credits not because of their work but because of their looks. Not to say that we have the looks, but one of the reason why I wanted yesterday's event to be low key was because of that. I was afraid that the marketing hype created over the book clouds the actual work (even if the work isn't THAT fantastic). It's just my first work and I didn't want to scream about it...

Maybe it was the fear of being shunned and abused because the work is crap. Maybe it was the fear that people will see me differently because of what I write. Maybe I'm scared that I will be seen as less of the person that I am. Alas, all is out there. Someone once told me that an artist has to learn to part with his work when the time comes. That time was yesterday.

It felt good when the whole thing was over. It felt better knowing that I only have two more days in this town before I leave for North America. My co-author will have to deal with more press while I'm gone. That feels good. I don't like that celebrity treatment. Maybe I'm just lacking that star quality... but, yeah this feels good. It feels right.

I still haven't found what I'm looking for...

I stopped blogging for a while. I'm leaving my current employment to embark on another path of unknowing. Some people asked me what is it that I'm looking for and why this restlessness goes on and on. It was the same month one year ago that I terminated another employment. Like U2 said, "I still haven't found what I'm looking for."

Believe it or not, it is not as aimless as it seems. Life showed me emotions I didn't know I have in the last 6 months. I learned to be angry and to care only to have to learn to forgive and forget. I can't remember the last time I felt such strongly about things. I'm used to indifference. I hate to see the people around me endure misery, and I wish I have the energy to stick around and see things through but I need to move on.

For those I've worked with the last few months, you've been an important part of my life and despite everything that happened you guys rock!!

I've moved on...again...

You think you know someone. You don't. You think that person is an open book. He/she is not. Life's one of many great mysteries is the fact that nothing is ever what it seems. It's all about figuring things out. In the process, one will bound to experience many different emotions; anger, dissapointment, shock, horror until the feelings subside and then yeah, nothing left. Moving right along...

Somebody told me earlier that everything will be okay, and that soon everything will be over. Ha! Isn't it good to know that things are actually over? And that you're about to embark on a new adventure? Yep. Just something new. Anything.

Saturday Night

Dinner. A Movie. What a typical saturday night out for two people. Problem is, I haven't had that for a while. Strange.

Morning Drive

I am very fortunate to live very close to my workplace. Unlike most people, I don't have to spend hours commuting to and fro to make my living. It requires driving past the inner streets of Kemang, cut across the stupid traffic of Kemang Raya to be in the office within 5 minutes. Nearby my office there is a public elementary school and often I would see kids in red-white uniform walking on the same street I use. This morning, just before I turned left to another street leading to my office, 2 boys about the age of 7-8 yeas old were standing facing the bushes, whilst some girls were crowding in one corner. The 2 boys were about 2 metres apart and they were peeing into the bushes. They were even talking to each other whilst doing it!

It's great that this kind of innocence still exists in the superficial life of this big city called Jakarta. It is refreshing to be reminded that at some point in our lives, we know no fear, we worry not about what other thinks of us, we do things without thinking even if it means exposing one's private parts in public. :)...

Traffic

Jakarta is a city with a population of 9 million (this figure comes from an internet site somewhere and it's almost impossible to verify because the amount of people who work in this city and live more than an hour away is a figure on its own, not to mention the unlisted citizens who live in the dark alleys of Jakarta slums) and these people need to commute. As a city it has a humoungous traffic problem which can never be solved. Town planning doesn't really exist. Future developments goes as far as 2 years into the future. The word long term planning is obsolete. In a town where money speaks louder than rules and regulations, anything goes.

As a result, traffic becomes the most commonly used excuse if someone is late for a meeting, or any appointment. This excuse will be received with a shrug, a roll of the eye -- it's so normal. I don't think it's normal though... This excuse can only be given by someone who's new in this town and have no idea on how bad/good the traffic is. There's nothing wrong in arriving early, make sure you bring a book, an iPod while you wait? It's called respecting other people's time.

Aaaaaargh!!! I hate traffic and I hate people who uses traffic as an excuse. Lame.

Parallel Worlds

Maybe someday I'll get to understand it better. How can a single girl from Indonesia experience a similar thing with a total stranger from North America, and I get to read about it from the wonderful world of bloggers? I suppose regardless of age, gender, nationalities or culture, human beings experience a common struggle. Things like fitting in, self-identity, fear of committment, relationship enxiety, are all alike to most of us. SOURandSWEET was made known to me by faetryn; I don't know her, all I know is I can relate to her struggle and it's comforting to know that someone somewhere feels the way I do. Bizarre, I know. But cool all the same.

So, here's an edited excerpt from her blog that is very relevant; and often happens in my life, not exactly.. but more or less. That whole ego boosting experience?? I can totally dig that!

Enter my current situation. There is a guy at my soon-to-be-former workplace that I’ve flirted with from my arrival. Harmless you could call it, at first, until yesterday when he asked me out. You see, ever since I told him I was leaving, he’s been laying on thicker than normal. “Well, what’s wrong with that?” I can hear you asking. To which I will answer with another question — why would you get onto a plane that you knew was rife with mechanical failures and is garunteed to fall apart mid-air? Crashing and burning is inevitable. I know it is not worth it, yet I find myself, instead of leaving well-enough alone, wanting to push things as far as they can go without anything ever “happening.”

So this guy thinks I’m cute, he wants to take me to dinner and pick my brain, wants to take me home and pick other things. And why do I respond? ‘Cause it’s a stroke to the feminine ego (and you thought maybe that didn’t exist?). But what of him? Have I found in him anything that is worth a response? Not necessarily, yet as I was at the grocery store last night, I realized I was walking with a lighter step in my foot, streams of confidence overflowing — ’cause someone finds me attractive right now? Oh. I start to feel a little crushing sensation, something’s wrong.

So, I’m at a bit of a crossroads right now. Boy, the flight crew of that plane sure look friendly (and cute), but in this case with discretion definitely being the better part of valor, it seems like the wiser choice to let this plane leave and continue to wait at what seems like a rather remote airport, for a plane that might withstand the flight.

Explore and Sing

We are taught to believe that angels in heaven sing like nothing on earth. Even if I believe that, THE VOICES' concert last Thursday prove that humans are blessed with divine voices that can bring you to other places. Somewhere serene and peaceful, where the hustle and bustle of everyday life is suspended. It was angelic music by 16 dedicated young singers making an attempt on compositions by William Byrd, Richard Bennett, Bob Chilcott and Gilbert & Sullivan. The first part act was in Latin, which was probably how I felt like I'm not on earth. There's something about songs in Latin that makes me shiver. There's a sense of old, of a wisdom centuries ago.

The second part was fun. Chookachooka train made me want to ride to dreamland.

Good music does that to ya'... It feeds the soul. You just need to get a lot more of them, or at least try to.

What the cards tell you...

A friend of mine told a story of an amazing Tarot Counselling experience. It was the first time I've heard of it being used as a method of self-development and not the usual fortune telling kind. Initially I was quite sceptical with the whole thing. She has always been quite religious, and for her to try something like that seemed to be against her own person. But she was having problems which was all consuming and she needed some kind of explanation. Strangely enough the cards really opened up her mind and provided her with the assurance she was looking for. It wasn't so much that the cards could tell her right or wrong, it wasn't that the cards could tell her what to do next; the cards simply helped her connect all the dots. All the facts and information that surrounded her but failed to reach her comprehension. It helped her see, and when she escaped blindness she gained confidence. She is slowly gathering courage to move on.

Everybody can use some kind of Tarot Counselling experience of some sort sometimes. It does not even have to come in the form of a tarot card reading. It can come in a form of reading an inspirational book, or listening to a good music, or just conversing with someone. What everybody needs is an experience where the mind is opened and for once, things become clearer; things begin to make sense.

I had my Tarot experience yesterday. It was enlightening, calming and interesting. Have you had yours?

A great coffee

There's nothing much to see in this photo, but it's definitely an unforgettable experience. I can't remember the decription on the menu, but it was something about cinnamon and tangerine with cloves burned to create some kind of aroma -- right in front of you. One delicious coffee indeed.

Borrowed Blog - Gaspar

Gaspar had a moment and he came up with this. I thought I should share it to you lot...
A good reading this morning from FC:The Gift of Risk
Leading Ideas: The Gift of Risk by Doug Sundheim

"Do you think the people who were trying to reach the top of Everest were not full of doubts? For a hundred years, people tried and lost their lives. Not even their dead bodies came back. But still, more people tried...risking...knowing that they may never come back. Why? Because it was worth it. Because in the very risk something is born inside you: the center. It is born only in the risk. That's the beauty of risk, the gift of risk." --Paraphrased from Osho (1931-1990), Indian Professor of Philosophy, Spiritual master

Six years ago, while coaching a client, I stumbled upon a very important question. We were talking about the idea of living with "no regrets" when I asked him, "When in your life did you feel most alive?" He reflected for a moment and told me about the summer he overcame his fear of water and learned to sail. When he finished he was grinning ear-to-ear. Subsequently, I have asked hundreds of people the same question and have been struck by the similarity of their answers. In particular I've noticed 3 themes. (1) Nearly everyone describes a scenario in which they pushed themselves out of their comfort zone and took risks. (2) The OUTCOME of taking the risk is rarely the main thrust of the story - it's usually the process of taking them that they remember most fondly. (3) When people finish their story, they've often got a big smile on their face.

Consider This:
The gift of risk-taking doesn't lie in what you achieve by risking - it lies in who you become as a result of the process. Confident. Engaged. Alive. Furthermore, it isn't something you do once in a while - it's an approach to life. Open. Exploratory. Daring. You know it when you let it slip out of your life. You feel stagnant, lethargic, bored. Risks have no shelf life - yesterday's risks are today's ego trip. Today is new. RE-ENGAGE. RE-RISK.

Try This:
1. Ask yourself the same question, "When in your life did you feel most alive?"
2. What were you doing? Why did it feel so good? Which of your core values were you living?
3. It's likely you were taking some risks at the time.
4. If you've haven't felt that alive in a while, what could you do to re-engage, to push past your comfort zone?
5. Remember, the gift of risk lies not in what you achieve, but in who you become by taking them.

Second chances

How do you know when love is not enough to carry you through?
When do you say enough is enough?
What does it take for you to be honest with yourself and say this is not working?

For one it takes 2 weeks. For another it took 2 years. For another other it took 26 years. It is not that we enjoy being treated like shit and thrived in unhappiness. It is not that we let the fire goes cold and settle for the warmth provided by layers of protective clothing. We are or were in love.

It is hard when one is in love, or thinking that there might be love, or hoping that there is enough love. Not only we tend to overlook the realities of the flawed relationships, we also secretly wish that love conquers all; like a 5 year old who dreams of being a princess rescued by prince charming on a white horse.

It is a scarry world out there; outside this bad but not- so- bad relationship things might even be worse. We often question the value of our relationship, comparing it with others, and weighing the options in hand. We search deep and low for love that brought us together, scraping the last bits of emotion that remain untouched, often only to be disappointed to realise that there is really nothing left. 2 weeks matter as much as 26 years. You carry a lot with you when something like love is involved, and it takes a lot of courage just to be honest with yourself and ask the above questions.

I salute the women who dared to step out of their shell and admit to themselves that they deserve better. I admire their courage to face their own fears and bitterness to once again, give life and love a chance. It might take them 2 weeks, or 2 years or 26 years but most importantly, they do not give up life. Life is too short to be spent settling for second best when you can have more, bigger and better things.

Girls, you know who you are ... to bigger and better things... to second chances.

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY

28 years and 14 days ago, a baby was born into this world. It was after torturing the mother for close to 20 hours that a loud cry broke out in the delivery room and I was born. 20 hours of labour must have signalled the kind of life the baby is going to live after, although at that time both parents were relieved that the whole ordeal was over.

In retrospect, life has always been kind to me. Living in a crazy city like Jakarta is never easy and even the safe streets of Melbourne a few years ago had its own dark secrets. I survived youth; the acne proned teenage years where peer pressure ruled all throughout university days where being foreign in a foreign country brought gazillion of experiences. It was days on stage, half asleep during tutorials, learning to drink my first pint of guiness, nuddy run in the woods, endless cups of coffee and falling in love. I had my heart broken and broke a few hearts along the way. I cried through my first job, lost a lot of my social life whilst working on my career only to stop at one point and paused.

I'm still in pause mode.

People change as they grow older. Some becomes more impatient, some becomes kinder. Some more focused, some simply choose to be more open for other things life has to offer. Some settles down, some believes that freedom is more important than anything. Some falls in love, some opts for celibacy.

I know I'm turning into something. Like the ugly worm that's slowly turning into colourful butterfly, I can feel my whole body and soul being turned inside out into something I'm not really sure of. I kinda like not knowing. The last 28 years of my life had been pretty friggin' amazing I wouldn't trade it for anything else. In pause mode I get to stand back and enjoy not knowing, simply being grateful for the things that happened and the better things that will come.

Happy Belated Birthday to me..
P.S. Thank you for the most amazing coffee on my birthday...

Explaning Absence

My posts recently had been nothing but interesting. I blame the myriad of personal problems I'm currently dealing with and the complete 2 seasons of Grey's Anatomy. Yes, it's a total chick flick for the hopeless romantic but I'm officially hooked. I'm so hooked that I actually looked things up on the internet, just to see if American viewers love it enough to have another season running. 3rd season is opening on Sep 2006 -- I will be in the States for it. I'm embarrassing. At least I'm not embarrassed to admit it.

In the meantime, the quotes I got off the website will have to suffice. (Laugh and frown all u like...) And No, I don't take my life advice from a TV series, even if they're really well written.

On Just Sex
"They always look so sad when I kick them out. Seriously, why do guys not understand that when you pick them up in a bar and take them home for sex, that there are no picket fences or kids in your future?"

On Taking A Chance
"A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. 'Never leave that 'til tomorrow,' he said, 'Which you could do today.' This is the man who discovered electricity. You’d think more of us would listen to what he had to say. I don’t know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I’d say it had a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure. Fear of pain. Fear of rejection. Sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you’re wrong. What if you make a mistake you can’t undo. Whatever it is we're afraid of, one thing holds true. That by the time the pain of not doing the thing gets worse than the fear of doing it. It can feel like we're carrying around a giant tumor. And you thought I was speaking metaphorically."

"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out, they fence you in. Life is messy, that's how we're made. So you can waste your life drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross. Here's what I know. If you're willing to throw caution to the wind and take a chance, the view from the other side... is spectacular."

On Keeping the Dream Alive
"But the thing is, it’s hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely, because almost everyone has that smallest bit of faith and hope that one day they would open their eyes and it would all come true. At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t really expect it. It’s like one day you realize that the fairy tale is slightly different than your dream. The castle, well it may not be a castle. And it’s not so important that it’s happily ever after -- just that it’s happy right now. See, once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you. And once in awhile, people may even take your breath away."

On Carpe Diem
"The early bird catches the worm; a stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we haven't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to ‘seize the day'. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore, until we finally understand for ourselves like Benjamin Franklin meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping. And that even the biggest failure, even the worst most intractable mistake beats the hell out of never trying."

Now, do you understand why I got hooked??

10 THINGS I WANT THIS WEEK

This week beginning by tomorrow...

1. I want to hear nothing about my work and my job
2. I want to go away and see less people - this city is too crowded
3. I want to listen to good music and have a great conversation
4. I want to cry over a movie and not feel like stupid
5. I want to hang out with Gaya and Joachim in London
6. I want to get things ready for the housewarming party
7. I want to just lie in bed with that person with noone to bother us
8. I want to have brunch on Brunswick St
9. I want to dance the night away at the Night Cat
10. I want to have crazy conversation with Kayin

See?? I just need to go away...

???

What the f$#* am I doing? When the sky is blue and the sea is a few steps away? Why must I look for a storm and challenge the wind? Maybe that's just me... I need these things to see if I'm alive. Crazy weird shit. Another one with an expiry date? Or is it a time bomb?

Sorry for the lack of insights these days. They're kinda boring and uninteresting and I have nothing to write but random ramblings of the personal kind. Maybe I need to go away again...

I am nice because...

Somebody asked me, "Why are you nice to me?" Hmmm... I don't know. I just am. Hehehe... Good upbringing? Because I feel like it? One of my biggest weaknesses (... or some say strength) is to do things without thinking. I would do them impulsively because they feel right.

At times when black and white is disputable; when right or wrong is negotiable; doing what you feel is right is not easy to do. There are pressures to keep yourself balanced, to maintain a stable relationship between your heart and your head. The challenge is to use your head to weigh all information in hand but use your heart to decide. The head can only give you factual information but can not tell you of the nuances, the context, the numerous abstract emotions that are involved. The heart feels them but it must be guided by facts so that the decision becomes "an informed decision".

I suppose being nice is something that one does without thinking. It's sincerity in action. You do something because without thinking, it's the most natural thing to do.

Eventually they will...

Patience. Endurance. Faith. Confidence.

It is useless to tell people what to do and how to do and why you should do things a certain way. Just because your passion brings you this far doesn't mean it gets to everyone else. You feel like you're carrying the load of the world on your shoulder and nothing you do can ever be good enough. Be kind to yourself. Be the bigger person. Do what you think is right and eventually things will sort themselves.

Big hugs to bad mood.

Advertising Moments

Why am I in advertising? I often asked that question when I feel weary and sick of the bull that goes around. The sucking up. The "marketing". The "arse-licking". But my few years in the industry have also brought me great experiences and plenty of opportunities. I wouldn't have traveled to China or Thailand otherwise. I wouldn't know so many cool people from all around the world. Advertising puts us in such a temporal world. Our life story is told within 30 seconds, and therefore in those fleeting seconds everything is intensified, hyperboled; a major roller coaster ride on e and acid joined together. Not that I know what's that like. Really.

With things that are happening of late, I tried to think long and hard about the decisions I needed to make. An attempt to be rational and wise, and more mature. All of the above failed. I've operated on "the moment" principles for far too long that it's difficult to shift gear and be a rational adult. Maybe it's just something about myself that I need to embrace; my strength as a human being -- to enjoy the brief moment of ecstacy and cross the bridge when I get there.

Someone very wise taught me that.

Confused??

Someone pointed out to me by reading my previous posts that I seemed very confused. Funny that, because although the previous post wasn't not making any sense -- it was a true reflection of my being at that moment and isn't that the whole point of documenting? Writing? Blogging?

Lots are going on at the moment; both in my professional and personal lives. There are numerous pathways with various roadworks leading to different moutains. Yes, mountains. And they needed climbing. I finished a long trekking session with my previous employment late last year and now I'm about to start on a different journey. At the same time, I'm being distracted by the open fields on my right which presented unlimited vista. To complicate matters even worse, I have to deal with my heart and what it wants, and the chances its taking.

I often forget about my heart. Most of the time it continues beeping, no matter how faint. I want it to beat strongly; to feel the light of day and the turn of the moon all the time. I want my heart to not worry and just sail the opean seas feeling secure, confident and content.

This post is a rambling nonsense. Maybe that person is right, I am confused.

On Being a Girl

I love this... It cracks me up. And reminds me on how much I miss it..
Again must be all this sleep deprivation...

Written by MindThatGirl -- somewhere in the US.

No, you hang up. No, you hang up. No, you hang---

So it's happened. I have become one part of those sickening PDA-happy couples.

Yes, I am a girl, but I have never been one of those girls. I'd swat the hand away, shun the kisses, shrug out of the embrace. Maybe if I was drunk or in a good mood, I'd allow the hands on my waist, but that was it. But now...

I can't think of a moment when we aren't grabbing, holding hands, kissing, spooning, or otherwise grossing out all our friends. Granted, it's he more than I. But I give him a close running for second. Perhaps it's because we are still a new couple. I think the official relationship (the period of time I have held the 'girlfriend' title) is about two weeks. But honestly, I don't want it to stop.

We are even sleep deprived because of cuddling time. I am dead serious. This relationship might be damaging our health.

Death by PDA. What a way to go.

Where do I Belong?

You Belong in Dublin

Friendly and down to earth, you want to enjoy Europe without snobbery or pretensions. You're the perfect person to go wild on a pub crawl... or enjoy a quiet bike ride through the old part of town.

What European City Do You Belong In?

i know don't want i what want i

i'm tired. i'm excited. i'm taking chances. i can't always get what i want.i'm putting myself out. i want to have it. i can't be bothered. i want it to be simple. i miss it. i don't know if i want it. i want to be wise. i want to be carefree. i don't want to think about it. i miss snail mails. i can't help feeling it. i know what i want. i want to go away. i wish things were as they were. i wanted change. i wish a world without electronic communication. i love emails. maybe i just need some sleep.

Adding crimson on my world

This is essential in surviving the crazy world of Jakarta. I need my annual travel fix. Today I spent more hours than neccessary in the office because I need to think about where I'm going and when and how -- basically do a little planning to make it cost efficient. My excitement grows everytime! Planning a trip now becomes so easy for me and I managed to get dates and means of travel within one hour.

So, it's a little of the US west coast for Sin's wedding. A little of Canada to check out Care's crib. A little of NYC for the Roobz' groove and finally a tad of Philly for Sar's wedding. I'll be back in time for Idul Fitri holidays, which means that I'll have a few days to recover from jet-lag and other general travel fatigue.

I am good!!

You're my Inspiration

Somebody I knew 5 years ago suddenly sent me a text message a few days ago. A raincheck. We do that from time to time. Until he mentioned that in the 5 years we've known each other, we've only seen each other once. Which was the day period of time where we worked together. We clicked back then, when he was merely a film school student getting work experience and I was a PA starting out in the industry. We've gone a long way since then.

We met again last night. He's not as skinny a before. He looked a little older, a lot wiser. We were talking about everything and nothing when he said, "You inspired me." That shut me up immediately. He looked at me intensely. "I always admired your guts for life. Your whatever attitude and that daring I don't give a toss.." He told me that when he heard about my travels, he secretly made a promise to himself that one day he's going to be there as well. And the main reason that he really wanted to see me that night was to tell me that he's done it. He kept his promise to himself.

I didn't know what to say.

As I'm sitting here writing this post, my mind is thinking hard of the people who inspired me. My dad, my uncle, my ex boyfriend, my Performit gang, my team in the office, my ex boss, the list goes on and on. What I realised after last night was it didn't take very much to inspire others. We often think that we have to do something great like Gandhi, Mother Teresa, etc -- but truth of the matter is, to inspire is to touch other people's lives; to raise something within themselves that they don't know existed. I could inspire something even when I only met him once in five years... It must've been easier than I thought...

Self-Google

Have you ever tried to google yourself? I haven't tried it for some time and today, out of boredom, I tried again. And this is what I came up with. I almost forgot that it existed. It was my first year in uni and my first production. My first co-ed dressing room. My first time getting naked in the name of art, even if it's only in the changing room. My first aphrodisiac.

How about you? Tell me...

Snapshots