Self-Google

Have you ever tried to google yourself? I haven't tried it for some time and today, out of boredom, I tried again. And this is what I came up with. I almost forgot that it existed. It was my first year in uni and my first production. My first co-ed dressing room. My first time getting naked in the name of art, even if it's only in the changing room. My first aphrodisiac.

How about you? Tell me...

Snapshots

Return to the Innocence

As we're about to take off from Denpasar airport my eyes was watching this little boy in front of me. He's probably about 5 years old with blonde hair and blonde eyelashes. He had his face close to the window; so close that the window began to fog. That startled him, and quickly he tried to wipe it only to leave a certain marks. Then he realised that he could actually write on the window if he breathes enough to make fog marks. This lasted for a few minutes before he got bored and moved on to watch the airport lights as we took off.

This trip had been a fantastic time off from my routine activities. Taking the time off had allowed me to refresh myself. It actually allows me to notice little things like the fog that boy made on an air plane window, and that puts a smile on my face. We often live our life in such a fast pace that we stop paying attention to things that happened along the way. We are often driven by the goals we set ourselves, of achievements we need to get at the end of the road. That is why it's always good to slam on the breaks and stop; change gear so that we can listen to the sounds of Monday morning breeze, the way the sun shines on your window today and the way your dog wiggles its tail to greet you good morning. The good thing about that boy in the plane was, that he sees things for the first time. He appreciates. He wonders. I want to learn to do that, too.

Crazy Bitches

Mon, June 26th

There are so many crazy bitches around these days it's not funny... Must've been the scarcity of good men around. According to a survey done in Vancouver, there are 1 men for 7 women between the age of 23-35. Sad eh? No wonder so many of us are still comfortably single these days.

My friend met this guy in a bar in Bali. As with guys one meet in a bar, especially in Bali, you have to be extra cautious for the line between the working girl and the easy girl is so thin that if you make a wrong move, one could be mistaken otherwise. To cut a long story short, he turns out to be a really cool guy and he was seriously interested in getting to know my friend better. They started seeing each other until one night, an ex-girlfriend came into the picture. She literally did.

After causing a scene that disrupted the peace and quiet of the neighbourhood at 6 in the morning, she had to be removed from the premises by force. This wasn't after she tried to lock themselves in the house and threw the house key out the window. CRAZY.

Luckily that my friend didn't lose her cool. She didn't respond to her threats, even when she mentioned how well connected her family is in another island of Indonesia. That her father owns such and such factory and very close with such and such general. She was dropping names everywhere.

A week after that happened, the guy had to go back to that island where she came from (which was where he met her) to take care of some business. True to her word, she reported abuse to the local authorities and accused him of owing her tons of money. The local authorities detained him and got her to the airport immediately. The accusation was an unpaid debt of 3000 USD -- which he settled right there and then so that his ex has nothing against him anymore. She didn't expect that and refused the money, confused the local authorities and then started becoming hysterical and begged him not to leave her. CRAZY.

It's really amazing to see to what lengths some girls would go to just to hang on to what they have/had. C'mon girl! He doesn't want you anymore!! Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you??

I suppose it has got something with low self-esteem, low self-worth and other personal issues. I, too, long for love, acceptance and comfort -- but if it's a one way street then I don't want it. Just because there are less and less men out there, doesn't mean we have to settle for second best. I've been in a position where I knew such things exist, and even they didn't work the first time, there's no reason for me to stop believing.

But man, these crazy bitches are so goddamn annoying!!! And they're friggin' everywhere worldwide!!!

Shopping for a tan

Sunday, June 25th

When people heard that I'm going to Bali, I was assigned to do some shopping. In case you didn't know, Bali is known to be a shopping heaven. Not only for the surf brands, but also for sarongs and other stuff. There are tons of fake stuff, of course, after all it is part of a third world country, but that's what makes it so interesting and fun. Don't forget the art of bargaining (which I'm really bad at)...

The whole day today is spent in sizing the streets of Kuta hoping to get a tan. Yeah, I know, I know.... I'm a loser. But hey, how can I be in Bali and not get a tan?? I only need a little bit, and hell there's very little chance I can get that in Ubud. In the name of getting a tan, I walked in and out of shops always walking on the sunny side of the street. A few shoppings bags later and nothing happened. Nothing.

What was I going to do? I wasn't ready for a beach day, and all my shopping was done. I spent a lot more than I should, and ended up with heaps more than I can carry. But I had 4 hours to kill before meeting up for coffee with an old friend, my tan wasn't happening and this called for drastic measures.

I dropped all my shopping back in the car, which was conveniently parked on Kuta beach and walked to the beach. I couldn't remember when the last time I was out there. Kuta to me was synonymous with dodgy massage ladies, dirty surfy boys and I dreaded going there alone. What happened after was completely different; I rented a mattress from some dude for 1 USD (which I was told later to be too expensive) and l lay under the sun with my iPod and a book. It worked beautifully. If only I was more prepared... I could be getting a full on tan! And a nice one, too for that matter. You know where your whole body is tanned?? Legs and all?

Want to know what the biggest lesson out of this is? I could've spared myself the retail treatment, spent money on a pair of bikinis, a beach towel and sun block instead and I would end up with a nicer tan and a few millions extra.

The people of the gods

Saturday, June 24th

It's nearing sunset and I'm sitting on a "bale" by the pool overlooking the lush green paddy fields that is part of my accommodation. The sky turns scarlet and dark clouds are slowly forming a blanket over the wide sky. Lights from other bungalows shines from the distance like dancing fireflies.

I walked the main streets of Ubud today. I parked the car somewhere in the middle and just walked. I walked and walked and walked and tried to see the lives of these people whom I last saw a year and a half ago. There is a general sense of calm and tranquility among these people, even if life is hard for them. One lady in the market where I bought some sarong pants from, said that these days she can only ask for a small margin of profit. I was her 2nd customer for the day and she hopes that the rest of the day got better. There was no depression, no sadness when she told me all that. She smiled and joked with her daughter who was helping her packed all my stuff. "Its okay, we don't make lots of money but it's still enough to pay for the rent", she said with a laugh. I smiled back and wished her good luck. I bought 2 tops and 2 pants for 10 USD and nearly wanted to buy more. But she didn't need my pity. Life is hard. She accepts and lives it with grace.

Amidst the money-making industry called tourism that runs the veins of Bali, where lying and scheming are everyday events, surprisingly I could still find simple honesty. At least I thought I did. I entered this shop greeted in English, and when I answered in Indonesian, the girls all giggled because they were embarrassed. "Sorry, I thought you're either Taiwanese or Japanese. " I smiled at them. I got that a lot. Not only in Bali where my looks and appearance can so easily be mistaken for a non Indonesian, but also in Jakarta where the company I keep often misguided people. After choosing 5 items in the shop, I went to the changing room trying on 1 item at a time. It is a habit of mine to get out of the small changing room and make a judgement when I'm not too close to the mirror. For a change, the girls had opinions. They were honest on what they think works or not for me. How rare! Most sales people I know can't even care less as long as a purchase is made. I walked out that shop a few hundred thousand rupiahs short with a dress that was packaged in a really neat bag.

Maybe it has got something to do with their close relationship with their gods. Life for this people is centred around pleasing and surrendering to the gods. Offerings are placed on every door step, on every street corner, in front of a car. They create an almost mystical fragrance that is Bali; that is not about the sleepless bars, and the great waves of Kuta, or even the temples. Life is about something bigger than themselves.

Escaping

Friday, June 23rd

I departed from the hustle and bustle of Jakarta when the city is still fast asleep. Although when I reached the airport it seemed like there were others who needed to get away from this town more urgently than I am. The flight was relatively short and painless as I slept through the most of it.

My first hour in Bali was spent in my friend's office as I tried to get cheap accommodation in Ubud. It struck him as odd that I wanted to stay that far away, but when I said that I needed to not see so many people he understood immediately. Yes, this weekend is my getaway trip -- from the crazy and hectic Jakarta that never sleeps and constantly dragging me into its insomnia. For 250K a night, I secured a private bungalow complete with breakfast.

My next stop was to see an old friend who recently moved to Bali. I had to see her during the day because she works nights. I picked her up at Poppies Lane, and we went off to have one of the best pork dishes ever tasted that was very very cheap. My mouth gets watery just writing about it. A brunch, many stories and 3.5 hours later we managed to caught up with everything and I dropped her off.

It was 1.5 years ago that I comfortably roamed around the streets of Bali in the small Japanese jeep that can never go past 60km/h without strating to get wobbly and I thought getting to my hotel wouldn't be a problem. Wrong. It took me an extra hour from Kuta to Ubud, because I made wrong turns, followed the wrong way for too long (under the name of adventure and not caring), and couldn't be bothered asking for directions. After too many wrong calls, I picked up the phone to call a local friend who finally pointed me to the right direction. I got here in no time.

But I couldn't be bothered to go anywhere else. I was sitting in that car for too long, and all I wanted was just to chill and relax. I found out that I could order a dirty duck dinner, so I did and then I turned the tap on for some long hot bath. Unfortunately the timing was slightly off. Just when I closed my eyes and let the hot water soaked my tired body, a knock on the door told me that my dinner had arrived. Darn!

The rest of the evening went smoothly as planned without a hitch. Dirty duck dinner, a long hot bath and good music playing through my ipod. Initially it was hard to wind down. My head keeps wondering on the jobs I left behind in Jakarta, what if this and what if that. It took serious effort to let it all go. Then, I received a little bonus. The next door cafe was playing some really really cool jazz live. I could listen to everything, and that music became my lullaby into the deep of the night.

All for Believing

Pull back the shield between and I'll kiss you
drop your defenses and come into your arms
I'm all for believing
I'm all for believing
I'm all for believing if you can reveal the colours within
I know you blanket your mind so much that I am blind
but I see you're painted your soul into your guard
I'm all for believing
I'm all for believing
I need to know just how u feel to comfort you
I need to find the key to let me in, int your heart to find your soul
Pull back the shield between us and I'll kiss you
drop your defenses and come into my arms
when the faith grows old and life turns cold
so if you're cold I will stay, maybe fate will guide the way
I believe in what I see baby we're meant to be
... just believe
... just believe
... just believe
... just believe
... and trust in me

(MISSY HIGGINS - Sounds of White)

Unidentified Baggage

There was a case of unidentified baggage landed on my doorstep some time ago. I roughly figured out the connection through several different countries and how long it had traveled the road. As I carefully looked at it, trying to decide on whether or not I should open it, it blew up right in front of my face. And not long after, I heard explosions, cries of pain, terror and desperation. A war just broke out.

I got hold of my friends and family; received an assurance that we are going to get through this safely. That threats like that are nothing against our strength and courage. When suddenly there was a deafening silence. Within minutes everything seemed normal; awkardly uncomfortable. It was like a hand of god commanded a cease fire.

I still don't understand. The war broke out because one unidentified baggage on my doorstep and I want to know... Even if it means losing the war, but then again who holds infromation holds power! I just want to know. I want to understand. How the hell can I understand when I don't know? The war has become mine without me knowing why. I just want to know.

ALVIN+VOLVO

I adore talented people, especially when they're young and fiery in spirit and passion of what they do. This one guy is one of those. A young Indonesian product designer who struggles in creating international quality work in the midst of his developing nation. He spoke of difficulties in finding craftsmen to deliver the kind of fiber finishing that he wanted, the constant tug of war in delivery time, etc. All of the above was the price he had to pay for cheaper production costs -- which allow him to produce more prototype in lesser amount of money. One can't win all the time. There is 5 more days to his exhibition. VOLVO Showroom in Jl. TB Simatupang, near Carrefour Lebak Bulus. Go visit and appreciate!

Gym Bunnies

My second day in a gym was very interesting. As a gym mainly catered for working people, the place was absolutely dead on a Sunday afternoon. There were 5 people altogether in the 2 hours that I was there, 4 of them are women. What was interesting was how 2 of the women were kinda "special".

Jakarta, like everywhere else, has many different types of women. Many classes of working girls, passport orientated girls, to your devout religious girls ready to jump off a bridge if their spouse tell them to. The general population of the working girls is called "ayam" -- which literally means "chicken". These girls are generally tan, with skinny bodies and an 'exotic' looking.

Back to my fellow gym ladies. I don't judge a book by its cover, so even if they fit the "chicken" stereotype I wasn't thinking about it. Until, one of them constantly demanded the attention of every trainer in the room by asking about this, asking about that, laughing flirtatiously. One girl in particular was getting on my nerves. How could I not? The trainer was talking to me; teaching me how to use a particular machine when she just called him over and over pretending I wasn't there!!

Hmmmm.... I wasn't going to take it lying down, but I wasn't going to go down her level, either! I opted for a wiser act. I moved as far away from her as possible so she could annoyed me less. I like my chicken to be dead, on my plate ready for consumption. The ones who are running around in female forms should all be terminated because of their threat to society in general.

Who's with me on this one??

Soneto de la dulce queja

Sonnet of the Sweet Complaint

Never let me lose the marvel
of your statue eyes or the accent
that by night the solitary rose of your breath
places on my cheek.

I'm afraid to be on this shore,
a trunk without limbs, and what I most regret
is not to have flower, pulp, or clay
for the worm of my suffering.

If you are my hidden treasure,
if you are my cross and my wet sorrow,
if I am the dog of your dominion,
do not let me lose what i have won.
and adorn the waters of your river
with leaves of my alienated autumn

(Federico Garcia Lorca)

FiXeR

A cheap fixer for my moody blues is to look at pictures of the people I love. Some of them I only see once in a few years; that unless I visit them in the distant countries, I won't get to talk to them at all. Some of them are hopeless with emails. But good friendships require very little maintenance and withstand the test of time.

They say...

"What you don't know won't hurt you..."

"Ignorance is bliss.."

Dang! It's only my heart..

Somebody pointed out to me that one can tell the mood that I'm in by the stuff I write on this blog. Scarry if I'm that transparent, but apparently I am and hell, isn't that the whole point of publishing? My heart stopped a beat yesterday, like a broken CD player denied of perfection of a song. It was like when you're singing halfway and belting it out in the shower and someone just rushed in to quickly take a pee. Lock your door, stupid! I should have..

It bled a little and is still stings now... So, I take refuge in these places you see above. As my friend pointed out, whenever I feel blue I'd always talk about travel. I want to go away where ignorance is comfort and alienation is safety; for then you're unattached; untouchable. Fly my heart, fly away... To the distant places I see so often in my dreams. Where strange faces seduce me into ecstacy and time stops.

A Blast from the Past

More on Travel & Culture

Once again, from Patrick Symmes...

"... Travel was a constant act of reduction, of eliminating minutae layer by layer until a substrate of hard reality emerged, welcome and fair, from beneath so many illusions. There were no office politics on the mountain, no ringing telephones, or incessant advertising pitches, no cloying waiters or whining yuppies or monthly dunning notices. It seemed obvious from the perspective of a motorcycle seat what linked Guevara's ramblings to his revolutionary urges; the need for the extraordinary. Travel was a series of exceptional moments, a template of the heroic life Che would later seek..."

" ...The friction of time was also a friction of mutual expectations. Foreigners sought out the "pure" and "unspoiled" indigenous culture of the Andes but found the reality of modern intermingling here. There was an ancient dance at the centre of the crowd, and a boy in a Metallica T-Shirt watched raptly. Just as subatomic particles were altered by the act of observing them, our own presence was a corruption of the thing we came so far to see. Maybe Douglas Tomkins was right: perhaps it was better to have no audience at all, to let a vacuum of silence fell over the last examples of a dissapearing culture..."

40 Years and counting...

Earlier today I attended a surprise 40th Wedding Anniversary Party for this amazing couple whom I knew since I was growing up. It was very successful because there were many people from the different areas of their activities and it was just totally unexpected. There were clips of other couples talking about them, etc and apparently they're known to be the couple without a conflict. Wow! 40 years of marriage and no conflict? Well, nothing big enough to turned into a fight.

In any relationship, there has to be compromise and acceptance. It's a lifetime of work. For 40 years, it's about listening and working hard at your communication with your partner. Even if it's chemistry, it still requires work. Today's little celebration reminded me of what I look for in a relationship. A natural chemistry, where things just kinda flow and happen, effortless...

To Lose or To Gain

A very good mate of mine gets married today. We were there at the church and we are going to the reception tonight briefly, since England is playing its debut game on the World Cup tonight. When he walked down the aisle, the look of nervousness was on his face, his steps were small and slow as they walked to the tempo of Ave Maria, but he didn't falter and made it all the way to the altar for one of the most important moment in his life.

As I watched the ceremony my mind wandered to the days where we would hang out with the rest of the boys; of the silly nights filled with laughter and stupid jokes. Would I lose a friend to this marriage? I certainly hope not, for marriage brings you to the next level of your life and I can only hope that I gain a better friend, as loyal as before, more dependable than ever.

Congratulations mate!

KinderFrens

These two ladies have known me for a lifetime and I can only hope that it's for a lifetime more. Visa permitting, after September you'll see additional 2 more faces that makes up my little group of kindergarten friends. Crossing my fingers to get to Sindy's wedding in LA in September. Wohoooo!!

When you're away from home in Jakarta

Jakarta is one big party town, especially for foreigners. Heading a team of expatriates working in this town, I know a few people who'd like to be part of the big shebang that is Jakarta. The wealth of booze, girls, drugs can be terminal is one is not careful. There is a reason why the phrase, "... do not bring me into temptation" is part of the Lord's Prayer, because seriously there is a truckload of temptation for every sin known to man. Unfortunately, foreigners are more prone to these.

My expat friend is currently sratching his head because his little escapade went a little out of hand. The girl is 6 weeks pregnant. She's never been pregnant before, and they're not even in a relationship. What they have is a "mutual understanding" because they both like each other, the guy has a long term girlfriend (who he claims to love and wants to marry) and the girl has a series of "daddys" who takes care of her expensive needs. The arrangement is ideal for the both of them until somewhere down the line, somebody got careless and now you hardly see a smile on my friend's face.

Previously another friend, who had been living in Jakarta for 8 months was pulled out of this town all of a sudden for a mysterious reason. Later down the line, on one drunken night he said that he impregnated this girl and just bolted out of the country. Hmmm... no wonder that people are still receiving phone calls from this girl continuously trying to find him.

When one can buy a condom in the nearest 7-Eleven and safe sex is out in the open, you can't help but wonder why we still hear stories like the above. Is it ignorance? Is it easy going-ness? I tend to see it as carelessness. When you are away from home, away from the things you hold dear in your life, it is very easy to give in to temptations. Your wife, family, girlfriend, friends are so remote, so out of touch with the things that are currently in front of you. As much as I'm a pro-"live for the moment" kinda gal, it's always good to remember the things that you love the most, and why certain things are simply not worth it...

Remember to remember...

In The Moment

It was one conversation which leads to another. One drink. One cup of coffee. One walk in the park. One great big conversation that never really ended, even when the lips have stopped moving and there were no more stories to tell. The eyes continued what the mouth could not express and for that moment everything felt right. It didn't matter that we were strangers; and that it was an encounter that might not repeat itself. It was in the moment. No expectations. Just one great big conversation.