On Love

This is my final quote from Shantaram,...

"They'd lied to me and betrayed me, leaving jagged edges where all my trusts had been, and I didn't like or respect or admire them any more, but still I loved them. I had no choice. I understood that, perfectly, standing in the white wilderness of snow. You can't kill love. You can't even kill it with hate. You can kill in-love, and loving and even loveliness. You can kill them all, or numb them into dense, leaden regret, but you can't kill love itself. Love is the passionate search for a truth other than your own, and once you feel it, honestly and completely, love is forever. Every act of love, every moment of the heart reaching out, is a part of the universal good: it's a part of God, or what we call God, and it can never die."

-Gregory David Roberts-

Shantaram

Those who are following this blog would've heard about this book, written beautifully by Gregory David Roberts. My first experience with this book was back in 2005 and now I'm hoping to find new things from it. And I did...

One of the reason why we crave love, and seek it so desperately is that love is the only cure for loneliness, and shame, and sorrow. But some feelings sink so deep into the heart that only loneliness can help you find them again. Some truths about yourself are so painful that only shame can help you live with them. And some things are just so sad that only your soul can do the crying for you.

Keep an eye out for other blurps from Shantaram. Have patience. The book has close to 1000 pages.

Techno Love

Technological advances inevitably change the way we live. Gone are the days of letters, telegrams, journals, where waiting and anticipating were half of the fun. The value of time is increased to the nano second. No time should be wasted in waiting for the other person to tell you what he or she is thinking in writing. Text message service, emails, blackberry, push email replaced pull email. Skype eliminates traditional nation states boundaries, everyone is just a phone call away. Soon, time difference would become a concept irrelevant to our current ways of life.

How does this affect how we relate to other people? How is the modern relationship is shaped by technology? Interestingly enough, two of my close friends are on long distance relationships. Totally unplanned for; cross states, cross continent. I gave a long sigh when I heard about this. As happy as I am for them, I know that serious hard work is waiting for them.

LA-C had a few days of "technological-break-down-day" (... where every piece of technology you touch breaks down, hangs or simply won't work) trying to talk to J. Just to talk to him requires super effort on her behalf, mainly due to reasons she can't explain. She relies heavily on technology to keep the communication between them. Because you can't be talking on the phone forever, she must learn to be a good writer (... that, she naturally is...), to communicate her feelings and emotions, to light the words of her emails with passion and excitement.

VC-C learnt that the guy she is seeing is not a good communicator when not in person. Communication technology becomes useless. She would find disjointed words, and ignorance over the blackberry. But every time they see each other, magic happens and that keeps her going. It gives her a reason to take a chance.

I think in essence technology opens up new possibilities for people to be together. It doesn't always make it easier; love and relationship never is, but it can be the next best thing. It can help to make the relationship interesting. You can show the other person your bedroom. You can hear and see them at the same time. There's a sense of immediacy about it that helps a lot.

Excuse this post. It doesn't actually answer anything at all. Just a little insight of my current state of mine. Messy. I'm going to bed.

Matchmade My Parents

Somehow I missed the turning point from being an attractive, independent single girl to an attractive, independent single-for-too-long-girl. Another valentine day's passed and I am still without a beau to show. My parents showed me their concern a few months back, but after a discussion they could not rebuke my arguments; for the last thing they want is a daughter who marries just anyone. When it comes to their children's happiness, parents often decide that fate needs a helping (...meddling) hand -- and they take it upon themselves, to try to find their son/daughter the ideal son/daughter-in-law.

At a recent hospital visit, my father and mother meet this lovely woman who out of the blue started inquiring about other people's eligible children. She started her question from where we live, my mum's practice, etc. Mum thought that it was all very strange, but then again the world is full of strange people. She began to think that something really strange is going on when one day this lady paid a visit to our empty house (everyone was working and out of the house) and asked even more questions to my maid. My good maid gave her my mother's business cards and told her to contact my mum.

She did. It was when she revealed her true intentions. She wanted to get to know: ME. Thank god for my mum's sanity, because she in her own polite way managed to dodge every possible chance of ever meeting this woman and her son, who turned out to be a school friend of mine. Well, we're not exactly friends... but we did go to the same school. It was all very hilarious. She actually made my friend talked to my mum (that's how she found out that we actually went to the same school) and that if he was interested in me, he should just gave me a call. Yes, she did give his mother my phone number.

This was a few weeks ago. So far, no phone calls.

Isn't it strange that a single girl in a big city like Jakarta can be seen as unable to find her own beau? That somebody else's mother should do the picking? I found it disturbing that parents "go-shopping" for their children's lifelong partner. It is interesting that in this era of equal rights, women's independence and all... we're still objectified.

I'm sure that woman means no harm. All of those thoughts I mentioned above probably did not cross her mind at all. She loves her son. She just wants the best for him; she thinks I'm probably good for him. I should just be flattered.

In Search of Love

At a pre-wedding dinner party the girls talk about the wedding preparation, the dress, the venue, the reception, anything that is wedding related. On the far side of the table where the guys are seated, the conversation is the total opposite. Boys talk about everything else but the wedding. They try to not remind the groom that in a few days, he will no longer be a member of the single male species who roams about the wonderful forest girls.

I watch as the bride and groom interact throught dinner. The groom is my best friend, the bride is sometimes jealous of me still. I try to find traces of undying love and devotion among the two. I fail miserably. Which makes me wonder, why marry at all then?

In the era where divorces are plenty, and kids are used to broken homes and 2 pairs of parents why get married when you're not even sure if you love that person? Or even when you know that you don't love that person? There is no simple answer for this. One person said, "I was pregnant and I didn't want my child to born out of wedlock so I marry him..." The other said, "I can tolerate her. I'm comfortable, what more can you ask?" Another said, "He takes care of me. I know that I'll be set for life when I marry him..."

Funny that. I thought I'd hear a bit more about love and relationship and being together and ladidadida. It seems that marriages in the modern age are ones that are based on practical reasons. It is a form of economics; a validation of adulthood. It saddens me to see that the bride marry the groom because she thinks that it's the right thing to do, that even if he's not sure of his love for her... her love will be enough to carry them through. It saddens me that they enter this new stage in their love without really knowing each other. It saddens me that no matter how much more advanced we are, love doesn't always win.

How Do You Heal a Broken Heart

Break ups are crap with a capital C. There is never a good recipe to heal them, but often misery loves company. It always helps to have that extra pair of ears, and a hand to hold. Just until the wound stops bleeding and healing begins. Here's to moving on...

It was 5 years ago when he came into my life, took me like a roll of thunder, blasted all my insides as if there was no tomorrow. He was manly and charming. A man and a boy all in the one physique. A person of many talents, intelligence and blunt honesty. His words cut through you like a double sided blade. His humour a mixture of dark British irony and silly Rowan Atkinson slapstick. A man, who despite of his imperfection, was a perfect match for me.

I didn’t think I have ever fallen in love before I met him. I didn’t realize that I was in love until he left me. It must had been a combination of pure arrogance and pride that made me capable of holding my head up high and despite the tears in my eyes, pulled a forced smile and said, “Understanding is not a problem. People falls in love, people falls out of love. Accepting is another thing. Please leave…” He dared not look me in the eye. Guilt and shame was radiating from him. His head hung down low as he made his way out of my apartment. I didn’t know such pain exist until that moment. There were so many things that reminded me of him, of us, of our beautiful times together. There were just too many. I cried every day for a week. It was hard. Not only that I had to deal with my own pain, I also had to explain to my friends why I was not in the mood to go out, why he was not around, why I had such a sad look on my face all the time. And every time, whenever I had to explain what happened, I would cry again without fail. Cry baby.

Pain 101. At the age of 30. What could I say? I’ was a late bloomer.

My girl friends started to create a list for me.

10 Things To Do after a Severe Break Up:

1. Go on a retail therapy – Celine drove to my place from her house in the outer suburb to make sure I had enough dosage of shopping. The car stereo was blasting Madonna’s Material Girl. Superficiality was the only thing that mattered at this stage.

2. Re-told the break up stories enough times until you stop crying

3. Make sure that you don’t binge on snacks and put on lots of weight upon the break up. Make sure you lose your appetite instead of gaining them. You’d look even more fabulous than before.

4. Spent some money in getting a ‘real’ haircut. Depending on the severity of the break up, you might want to invest on a different colour, too. Going blonde should be considered as a last option.

5. Have an early spring cleaning (provided you didn’t break up in spring). Get rid of all the stuff that might make you cry (again…) and arrange your wardrobe that only sexy, slinky, elegant, savvy type of wardrobe is required.

6. Spend lots of time with your girl friends, as girls hanging out in a group seem to attract more attention from the opposite sex.

7. try not cry

8. Forget that you want to cry

9. you’re not crying anymore

10. NOT CRY!

While you were away

In the last 8 days, I've lost count on how many times I used the sentence, "... but I was only away for 4 weeks!"

Somebody got a new job after being unemployed for 6 months. Two friends are getting divorced. One girl broke up with her partner. Someone had a birthday. Another girl had a fall out with her boyfriend and decided to move to UK. An ex-client turned tour guide. A friend came out, his whole family knows that he's gay and loves him still. A company closed. A mate forgot this thing called a condom existed and knocked up her girlfriend, whom he doesn't love, pregnant. People resigned. A friend dated and ended his relationship with an-ex friend of mine. A colleague went back to her old job because she needed a stable income. The book sells. My friend slept with her boss and did not know what to do. Whilst refusing her girlfriend's hand in marriage, a mate left his dog at her place. An account nearly lost. A holiday got cancelled. My family went to Thailand. Somebody decided to get married for the second time. All in the time that I was away.

The list goes on and on. In the last 8 days, I've been sad, happy, amazed, shocked, grateful, proud, touched because all of the above. A little over 4 weeks and it feels like I need a lifetime to catch up with all of that.

The Big Day

Sindy and Colin
September 30th, 2006
California

"Somebody once said that the key to succesful marriage is to fall in love over and over again continuously... and to keep serving each other in love..." Three cheers for everlasting friendship, love and living happily ever after.

Second chances

How do you know when love is not enough to carry you through?
When do you say enough is enough?
What does it take for you to be honest with yourself and say this is not working?

For one it takes 2 weeks. For another it took 2 years. For another other it took 26 years. It is not that we enjoy being treated like shit and thrived in unhappiness. It is not that we let the fire goes cold and settle for the warmth provided by layers of protective clothing. We are or were in love.

It is hard when one is in love, or thinking that there might be love, or hoping that there is enough love. Not only we tend to overlook the realities of the flawed relationships, we also secretly wish that love conquers all; like a 5 year old who dreams of being a princess rescued by prince charming on a white horse.

It is a scarry world out there; outside this bad but not- so- bad relationship things might even be worse. We often question the value of our relationship, comparing it with others, and weighing the options in hand. We search deep and low for love that brought us together, scraping the last bits of emotion that remain untouched, often only to be disappointed to realise that there is really nothing left. 2 weeks matter as much as 26 years. You carry a lot with you when something like love is involved, and it takes a lot of courage just to be honest with yourself and ask the above questions.

I salute the women who dared to step out of their shell and admit to themselves that they deserve better. I admire their courage to face their own fears and bitterness to once again, give life and love a chance. It might take them 2 weeks, or 2 years or 26 years but most importantly, they do not give up life. Life is too short to be spent settling for second best when you can have more, bigger and better things.

Girls, you know who you are ... to bigger and better things... to second chances.

Confused??

Someone pointed out to me by reading my previous posts that I seemed very confused. Funny that, because although the previous post wasn't not making any sense -- it was a true reflection of my being at that moment and isn't that the whole point of documenting? Writing? Blogging?

Lots are going on at the moment; both in my professional and personal lives. There are numerous pathways with various roadworks leading to different moutains. Yes, mountains. And they needed climbing. I finished a long trekking session with my previous employment late last year and now I'm about to start on a different journey. At the same time, I'm being distracted by the open fields on my right which presented unlimited vista. To complicate matters even worse, I have to deal with my heart and what it wants, and the chances its taking.

I often forget about my heart. Most of the time it continues beeping, no matter how faint. I want it to beat strongly; to feel the light of day and the turn of the moon all the time. I want my heart to not worry and just sail the opean seas feeling secure, confident and content.

This post is a rambling nonsense. Maybe that person is right, I am confused.

On Being a Girl

I love this... It cracks me up. And reminds me on how much I miss it..
Again must be all this sleep deprivation...

Written by MindThatGirl -- somewhere in the US.

No, you hang up. No, you hang up. No, you hang---

So it's happened. I have become one part of those sickening PDA-happy couples.

Yes, I am a girl, but I have never been one of those girls. I'd swat the hand away, shun the kisses, shrug out of the embrace. Maybe if I was drunk or in a good mood, I'd allow the hands on my waist, but that was it. But now...

I can't think of a moment when we aren't grabbing, holding hands, kissing, spooning, or otherwise grossing out all our friends. Granted, it's he more than I. But I give him a close running for second. Perhaps it's because we are still a new couple. I think the official relationship (the period of time I have held the 'girlfriend' title) is about two weeks. But honestly, I don't want it to stop.

We are even sleep deprived because of cuddling time. I am dead serious. This relationship might be damaging our health.

Death by PDA. What a way to go.

Soneto de la dulce queja

Sonnet of the Sweet Complaint

Never let me lose the marvel
of your statue eyes or the accent
that by night the solitary rose of your breath
places on my cheek.

I'm afraid to be on this shore,
a trunk without limbs, and what I most regret
is not to have flower, pulp, or clay
for the worm of my suffering.

If you are my hidden treasure,
if you are my cross and my wet sorrow,
if I am the dog of your dominion,
do not let me lose what i have won.
and adorn the waters of your river
with leaves of my alienated autumn

(Federico Garcia Lorca)

Dang! It's only my heart..

Somebody pointed out to me that one can tell the mood that I'm in by the stuff I write on this blog. Scarry if I'm that transparent, but apparently I am and hell, isn't that the whole point of publishing? My heart stopped a beat yesterday, like a broken CD player denied of perfection of a song. It was like when you're singing halfway and belting it out in the shower and someone just rushed in to quickly take a pee. Lock your door, stupid! I should have..

It bled a little and is still stings now... So, I take refuge in these places you see above. As my friend pointed out, whenever I feel blue I'd always talk about travel. I want to go away where ignorance is comfort and alienation is safety; for then you're unattached; untouchable. Fly my heart, fly away... To the distant places I see so often in my dreams. Where strange faces seduce me into ecstacy and time stops.