want not want

what is it really that you're looking for? one month ago you made a decision to forget and move on. you wanted to be free of this wondering, to be soaring high in the sky with not a care in the world. you moved on first. but when you heard the words came out, you were disappointed. you wanted to be wanted. to not want and not receive. you wanted to be desired. but people leave. worst of all, they didn't even want you to begin with.

funny, because you don't even think you wanted it. the one person you ever really wanted, didn't want you. still don't. and what does that make you? an unloved loser. and that, i tell you, is the worst feeling in the world.

I want it to be RIGHT

I hate it when somebody says, "I don't have a choice. I have to do it." It's BS. Everybody has a choice. Most of the times when somebody says something like that, it really means that he/she doesn't have a choice that he/she likes, or is willing to do. If you think having to choose something that you don't like is hard, having to choose one out of two things you like is actually even harder.

• Make a list of pros and cons and see which comes with more pros. The results are equal.
• Which one do you want more? I want both.
• Which one brings you more money? They're equal.
• Which place do you like more? I like them both.

What you get in the end is people shrugging their shoulders, exasperated look on their face saying, "It's up to you. It's your call." Thanks.

The most difficult thing about having to choose one thing over another is, you want to be sure that you've chosen the right thing. They might both be good. But only one can be right. And you want to make THAT right decision which will lead to many more right things in our lives.

We often obsess about "getting it right". We like it when we won an argument. We like it when things work according to plan. But actually, right or wrong is relative. Life is too long of journey to be worrying about whether or not you're making the right move, meeting the right people, carrying the right purse, etc. It should be enough to believe in your instincts and make a right, and cherish the ups and downs that come down with that road.

After all, there is never a "right" experience. It's an experience.

Alien

Several opportunities arise recently to further my career. Some of us are simply lucky when it comes to career. I belong to that category. I worked hard on the opportunity given to be where I am today, but job hunting is an alien concept to me.

People around me are moving on to other places, other countries, other jobs, and that made me wonder whether these are signs for me to do the same. Somebody said that it's always good to check your worth in the market, and if there's a good opportunity I should take it. Again, things fell onto my lap. Somebody is interested in talking to me. Some stranger who has never heard me of me before, has never worked with me. That is an alien process to me.

A conference table. 3 guys on one side of the table, I was on the other side. They grind me with questions, almost like testing me on things that I had no clue about with smiles full of intent. 60 minutes later, I left the room running 'should've, could've, would've' in my head. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had something to prove. I felt like I wasn't good enough. And for those simple reasons, I want that job.

A friend of mine who has worked 20 years in her industry said, "Of course when you worked on something for 20 years, you get to be good at it. But do you have what it takes to take it further and learn something from everyone? It's very easy to fall on the 'I've done it all' trap." That little incident sparked something in me. Something I've almost forgotten; to be challenged, to strive to prove something, to push yourself to new frontiers.

That, is not an alien concept to me.

Forgiveness

...through my best friend's wedding

I have not been writing for a while. Many things happening of late, but I've been lacking of angles. One of my favorite event last week was my best friend's wedding. Exactly 12 months ago, I was in the US for two (... not only one) of my best friends' weddings. Other than the hassle of finding the right dress, the pretty shoes and traveling to other countries, I actually love weddings. Especially when they belong to my best friends.

That Sunday afternoon in the church, Nic looked calm and beautiful and more importantly, she looked ready. I remember thinking how amazing it was that she finally stood at the altar with her man. I remember the many moments of heartbreak and heartache; of long telephone calls full of anger, gallons of tears and the many unpleasant past relationship stories.

As far as I could remember, Nic has always looked for a permanent fixture in her life. She wasn't like most of us, who enjoyed the courting, dating and the games with boys; she was pretty steady. Whenever she was in a relationship with someone, she always aimed for the grand finale. Not to say that she gets in a relationship thinking of marriage, but she definitely has that in mind as a destination. There were several times that I thought she would marry already; with the guy before her husband, and even the guy before that. Like I said, she went through heartbreaks and heart ached but continued living. Finally, last Sunday the grand finale arrived.

I guess what matters when you truly want to move on past bad relationships is to learn about forgiveness. And real forgiveness, I think, is about acceptance. To quote Allan Heinberg, "Letting go of the hurt feelings -- or more precisely the ego blows -- we experience when our lives -- and the people in our lives -- don’t behave the way we want them to. Which, let’s face it, is most of the time. But if we can somehow recognize and accept ourselves and others for who we are -- without judgment -- those “hurt feelings” fade away and are replaced by what feels a lot like forgiveness."

This post has come a long way from its opening; of my best friends' wedding. That wedding symbolised how far she has walked the relationship path; how much she learned about forgiveness, to able to set herself free to learn to love another person. Because really, you need to be all about love, to love.