Today

Today I was supposed to be in a different continent.
Today I was supposed to be all smiles thinking about the great party on the weekend.
Today I was supposed to talk to people whom I haven't spoken to since two years ago.
Today I was supposed to meet my old room mate who is getting married on Friday.
Today I was not supposed to be here.
Today I was supposed to be in Melbourne.

No, I'm not being ungrateful.
I have much to be grateful for.
But I'm sad that I'm not going to be there on Friday.
On my friends' wedding day.

TOO MUCH

FRAZZLED. NOT ENOUGH SLEEP. HAIRCUT. THINKING TOO MUCH. DOING TOO MUCH. WORRY. WAX. EXCITED. CHANGING ADDRESS. GOING OUT A LOT. NO TIME. PACKING. TRYING TO SEE EVERYTHING. PAYING BILLS. TOO MUCH.

And when it's too much, things jumbled inside your head and no words can come out right. This blog will take a short break until things inside my head is less chaotic.

want not want

what is it really that you're looking for? one month ago you made a decision to forget and move on. you wanted to be free of this wondering, to be soaring high in the sky with not a care in the world. you moved on first. but when you heard the words came out, you were disappointed. you wanted to be wanted. to not want and not receive. you wanted to be desired. but people leave. worst of all, they didn't even want you to begin with.

funny, because you don't even think you wanted it. the one person you ever really wanted, didn't want you. still don't. and what does that make you? an unloved loser. and that, i tell you, is the worst feeling in the world.

I want it to be RIGHT

I hate it when somebody says, "I don't have a choice. I have to do it." It's BS. Everybody has a choice. Most of the times when somebody says something like that, it really means that he/she doesn't have a choice that he/she likes, or is willing to do. If you think having to choose something that you don't like is hard, having to choose one out of two things you like is actually even harder.

• Make a list of pros and cons and see which comes with more pros. The results are equal.
• Which one do you want more? I want both.
• Which one brings you more money? They're equal.
• Which place do you like more? I like them both.

What you get in the end is people shrugging their shoulders, exasperated look on their face saying, "It's up to you. It's your call." Thanks.

The most difficult thing about having to choose one thing over another is, you want to be sure that you've chosen the right thing. They might both be good. But only one can be right. And you want to make THAT right decision which will lead to many more right things in our lives.

We often obsess about "getting it right". We like it when we won an argument. We like it when things work according to plan. But actually, right or wrong is relative. Life is too long of journey to be worrying about whether or not you're making the right move, meeting the right people, carrying the right purse, etc. It should be enough to believe in your instincts and make a right, and cherish the ups and downs that come down with that road.

After all, there is never a "right" experience. It's an experience.

Alien

Several opportunities arise recently to further my career. Some of us are simply lucky when it comes to career. I belong to that category. I worked hard on the opportunity given to be where I am today, but job hunting is an alien concept to me.

People around me are moving on to other places, other countries, other jobs, and that made me wonder whether these are signs for me to do the same. Somebody said that it's always good to check your worth in the market, and if there's a good opportunity I should take it. Again, things fell onto my lap. Somebody is interested in talking to me. Some stranger who has never heard me of me before, has never worked with me. That is an alien process to me.

A conference table. 3 guys on one side of the table, I was on the other side. They grind me with questions, almost like testing me on things that I had no clue about with smiles full of intent. 60 minutes later, I left the room running 'should've, could've, would've' in my head. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had something to prove. I felt like I wasn't good enough. And for those simple reasons, I want that job.

A friend of mine who has worked 20 years in her industry said, "Of course when you worked on something for 20 years, you get to be good at it. But do you have what it takes to take it further and learn something from everyone? It's very easy to fall on the 'I've done it all' trap." That little incident sparked something in me. Something I've almost forgotten; to be challenged, to strive to prove something, to push yourself to new frontiers.

That, is not an alien concept to me.

Forgiveness

...through my best friend's wedding

I have not been writing for a while. Many things happening of late, but I've been lacking of angles. One of my favorite event last week was my best friend's wedding. Exactly 12 months ago, I was in the US for two (... not only one) of my best friends' weddings. Other than the hassle of finding the right dress, the pretty shoes and traveling to other countries, I actually love weddings. Especially when they belong to my best friends.

That Sunday afternoon in the church, Nic looked calm and beautiful and more importantly, she looked ready. I remember thinking how amazing it was that she finally stood at the altar with her man. I remember the many moments of heartbreak and heartache; of long telephone calls full of anger, gallons of tears and the many unpleasant past relationship stories.

As far as I could remember, Nic has always looked for a permanent fixture in her life. She wasn't like most of us, who enjoyed the courting, dating and the games with boys; she was pretty steady. Whenever she was in a relationship with someone, she always aimed for the grand finale. Not to say that she gets in a relationship thinking of marriage, but she definitely has that in mind as a destination. There were several times that I thought she would marry already; with the guy before her husband, and even the guy before that. Like I said, she went through heartbreaks and heart ached but continued living. Finally, last Sunday the grand finale arrived.

I guess what matters when you truly want to move on past bad relationships is to learn about forgiveness. And real forgiveness, I think, is about acceptance. To quote Allan Heinberg, "Letting go of the hurt feelings -- or more precisely the ego blows -- we experience when our lives -- and the people in our lives -- don’t behave the way we want them to. Which, let’s face it, is most of the time. But if we can somehow recognize and accept ourselves and others for who we are -- without judgment -- those “hurt feelings” fade away and are replaced by what feels a lot like forgiveness."

This post has come a long way from its opening; of my best friends' wedding. That wedding symbolised how far she has walked the relationship path; how much she learned about forgiveness, to able to set herself free to learn to love another person. Because really, you need to be all about love, to love.

After a trip

There is a mixed feeling of exhaustion and relief after every trip. There was not a lot of time to process things while I was on the road, as we were constantly moving from places to places, feeling, experiencing, seeing... There is not a trip where I did not learn anything new about myself, about life and about people. This week, it's going to be about processing. Taking some time to look back at my recent travels and what come out of them. I will share them in due time, visit my travel stories at Cynth's Giants Steps. For now, enjoy a few of my favourite moments on my recent trip through Cambodia.

TAROT READING

R and I took our girlfriend out for dinner and tarot reading session for her birthday. Which was a big scam because actually we wanted to have a reading ourselves, and yet felt the need to provide a pretext. Yes! It was F's birthday and she could use some 'guidance'.

I've met this tarot reader before at a party and she vaguely remembered me (though she thought I was someone else). I was hopeless at these kinda things, because as a Christian, I never really believed in anything else and therefore never bothered to remember anything said during the reading for more than a few days. Hence, I could never say if one reading is accurate. Therefore I thought I should immortalise it and check back in a few months to see what happens. (I have also told as many people as possible about the full reading, so they can remind me months later).

• CAREER: If I continue with my current tasks, I will be bored shitless. However, people in the company loves me and I will be given an international promotion, which will take me to another country(s) and I will keep on moving between places. This should happen at the beginning of next year. I really wish this one would come true, going places, moving countries, man!! I'd love THAT!!
  
• LOVE: The reason why I have not met someone is not because nobody is interested, but because I was perceived as being "too high profile". Ha!! It takes someone with great courage to approach me and cut through all the bullshit. Someone(s) has been watching me. Expect something before the end of the year. I might have to make a decision. From a 7 year dry spell, all of a sudden I get to choose?? Awesome.

I realised then, that I had forgotten to ask about money and finances. Gosh! I'm such a beginner in this. I should try to think of real specific questions which can prove if this whole thing is just a scam or not.

Blue

Blue is what I’m feeling today
Thick white clouds covering the sky
Reflecting the blueness of my day

we kissed
we laughed
we tried not to cry

A simple smile covering the pain
Suddenly incomplete
Suddenly alone

Blue is what I’m feeling today

On Leaving

She sat in the corner one seater couch. She was skinny and petite. There was a nervousness about her. It was early and the office was slowly filling up with people. “Hi… You must be A. You’re new? I’m Cynthia. Nice to meet you.” We shook hands and then I started the SBC tour. It was a few years later when we were at a friend’s BBQ that she held my hand with one hand and told me something in confidence. “I’m leaving. I’m leaving Jakarta for good.”

L: With certain people you just have a good connection and you don’t mind. Like with you. Like the first time I met you.
C: How did we meet again?
L: I still remember that day. It was my first job. The bike? There are 3 versions with different funky supers that constantly got revised.
C: Oh, I remember. It was nice. We were working together. I can’t believe now you’re leaving.
L: I still need to pack.
C: What time is your flight? Is anyone sending you to the airport?
L: No, I’m just going to take a cab. I don’t want anyone sending me.

A text from mum:
SS passed away earlier. He was to wed his son next week.

An email from CTN:
R’s dad just passed away. Thought you should know.

People leave. They leave town or they leave the world. For good. Forever. You get left behind. People come and go. The people I connect with, the places I go… I should be used to this. I don’t. Being left behind sucks. They haven’t left and I missed them already.

One Year Ago

13 months ago I was sitting in front of my co-worker's desk, in awe that I was in our company's LA headquarters, meeting people with different nationalities, and getting glimpses of our global operation. I had taken the job for the new post for Indonesia, but there was a feeling that these people were sizing me up. This young Indonesian girl is going to run our operation in Indonesia? Yeah, give us 10 minutes and we'll tell that she's a fake!! I thought that they could withdrew their offer... It was like going for a job interview with half a dozen people. OK, I'm going on a tangent. This post is not going to be about my job.

Rewind to the scene in my colleague's office. My VP and CEO walked in to MB's office and suddenly my CEO said, "Indonesia is hot. Who knows, our next president might be part Indonesian." My blank face must had been that apparent to him, because he went on to explain about how Barack Obama -who is currently running to be the next US President- spent a few years of his childhood in Indonesia, had an Indonesian step-father, etc, etc. Back in 2006, when this conversation happened, BO was new to the Hills. I made a mental note of google-ing him someday.

In Philly airport where my plane got delayed which resulted in an extra night in Philly, I browsed the bookshop and saw him. His face stared at you with intent, on the cover of his second book, "Audacity of Hope". The title got me, plus the curiosity build since the first time I heard of his name. The book accompanied me in the 20 hours plane ride back to Jakarta and the message stayed with me ever since.

This morning, BO was a guest on Oprah. It must've been an old episode, because it was talking about the book "Audacity of Hope", but once again he got me thinking about the idea of Audacity of Hope. For BO, the concept of Audacity of Hope derived from the people he met traveling across America; the small townfolks with problems of unemployment, lack of health care, and crime. Adversity is faced by everyone regardless of their colour, race, religious beliefs or nationality, and hope is the only thing going for them.

Those three words are such a strong statement in overcoming adversity. It was as if sombody yells out to the sky, "Tough life! Screw you! I'm not going to be beaten!" It personifies resistance and unwillingness to yield.

It is not a concept unique to the American people. Jakarta, and Indonesia is a country of people with similar challenges. Our citizens worry about what to eat today, and where they are going to live if they can no longer live under the highways of Jakarta. We read about the thousands who are displaced because of the mudslide in East Java; how they rally in front of the Parliament House to get help. Yesterday, a bunch of families blockade a toll road because they have not receive severence pay for the land on which the road was built for 4 years. In a way, these problems are not that different from the ones in a continent away. And in a country where fighting almost always means that you're going to lose, the words Audacity of Hope means so much more.

It is interesting to note that even if every country has individual problems, the solution might be global. Technological advancement has shrunk the world so much that a world-wide economic dependency and cooperation is within reach. If Audacity of Hope can be seen globally, then there is no reason to believe that a solution does not exist. All it takes is goodwill and a little bit of love, hope and faith.

See You Later...

Some people say that it is very lonely to live in a big city. Is it possible to be lonely in a place where one constantly bumps into people? Jakarta has 9,000,000 inhabitants. A solitary moment is physically hard to come by. I don't think loneliness actually has anything to do with the number of people around you. I've been in a room full of people, friends and family and felt completely alone. It has more to do with the connection you have with others, or God, or anything else. It is selfish, because often loneliness comes from shutting people out. When you refuse to connect with people; when it is easier to dwell in sorrow and feel bad for yourself.

The past few years, I've been really lucky to strike friendships with some very special girls. What started as a work relationship, slowly grew to be a personal one and now we're simply friends. We no longer work with each other, and we don't even see each other that often, but we're friends. And you have to treasure these friendships.

Having lived in another country and worked with a legion of expatriates, parting is a common thing. People come and people go. But it's still not something easy to get used to. One mourns the loss of a loved one, even when the last words said were, "See you later..." Later being the indefinite notion of time, albeit an important one because it implies a moment to look forward to rather a final good bye.

There's that saying that parting is such sweet sorrow. Pray I get to learn what they mean, when my good girl friends embark on the next journey of their life.

As I was thinking about these thoughts, I came across this movie last night. REIGN OVER ME. A drama with stellar casts that highlights things like, life, love, friendship, loneliness, loss and mourning. It might not reach the height of drama and it lacks grip, but the issues raised were more than fitting to my current state of mind.

Godspeed

Do you think I'm lost?
For as long as I've lived, I've always had people telling me what to do. I spent half my life trying to please my mother, and then another decade to please the man I love. I have never pleased myself. I don't know how. All this time, I never knew how to please myself without pleasing others. Is that even possible? It is a concept that is alien to me. Now that the man I loved is no longer in the picture, I'm struggling to not let my mother back in.

I need to know myself. I want to know what I want. I want to know if it is too late to change. I want to do things that are part of who I am. Whoever this person is. I thought I knew what I liked, but maybe I made them up because they would benefit the person I was trying to please. Now, I questioned everything.

I forgot to tell you this the other night. I think you should get lost whilst traveling. It has a funny way to lead you to the path of where you should be, and introducing you to the hidden you's inside. Godspeed.

What is a Birthday?

What is a birthday?
It's a day to be glad
for all the good things you've had

(anon)

There is still a few days left in August -my birth month- to write about birthdays and the things that come with being older. It is a post that is hopefully, a little bit more than just self-introspection cum indulgence. It should be about becoming older and wiser. Or is it to lament the loss of youth? Maybe neither.

Despite the many downs in life in 2007, I found myself grateful for "all the good things I've had". It doesn't mean that I've had more ups than downs, but I've managed to see the good came out from the bad. All the downs had some kind of an upside to it; not because I chose to see the glass as half full, but because I saw the lessons learned and the better person I've become.

When another year is added to your life, sometimes you can't help but wonder about the years that passed. You questioned the value of your achievements (...if there is any at all), you revisit old goals (...and wondered what happened to them), you mourn the failure of romantic relationships (...and why they don't even exist for you), you worry about financial security (...and how to get the kind of safety written in rich dad poor dad), and in the end feeling nothing but like a complete failure.

After 2 minutes of feeling like a total loser, a sense of peace came over me. It is rather strange to feel at peace with yourself when those questions were lingering in your head. Somehow the same questions that made you feel like a total failure, were also humbling you.

They teach me about humility. That no matter how many things you have achieved, there are always bigger things to do. That goals are set to be met. That a failure only means that you have to work harder. There are bigger things than yourself.

I am learning to lessen my-self, and serving others. The older I get, the less time I have in doing that. Better buckle up and hurry. You don't have forever.

Important Conference

WICOE
(Women In Charge Of Everything)

is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a
maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place
instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH;
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
& CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available

--------------- borrowed from xanga, but it's bloody good!!

Another Saturday in J-Town

Those who follow this blog would get a glimpse of my frustration and realisation that there simply just isn't enough things to do in this town. An urban concrete with layers of tiny streets filled with people and cars, Jakarta offers few options of entertainment. However, a few days ago I was reminded how Jakarta can be a small melting pot for people. At a friend's BBQ (whom I also just beginning to get to know...) I met a bunch of interesting people, Indonesians who spent a number of years overseas, some expatriates working in this town. Everybody had different backgrounds from counselling psychologist, bankers, marketing people, security specialist, doctors, the list goes on. The party started in the afternoon and continued until dark skies enveloped our BBQ pit. Names registered, faces remembered and until next time.

Indonesia Unite

In the light of the recent Asia Cup 2007, I thought I'd show my country a little support by going to a live game at the Gelora Bung Karno Stadium. It was my first time hearing the national anthem being sung by more than 10,000 people. It sent chills through my spine.

We lost the game 0-1 to Korea; a World Cup's semi finalist team. Two countries with different level of experience and skill. We stood no chance, but everyone in that stadium was hoping for a miracle. In a sport where everything is possible, the crowd chanted, "Indonesia, Indonesia, Indonesia..." We knew we sucked, we knew we would most likely lose, but we were not going to go without a fight. It was a moment to be proud.

Last Saturday's Wedding

It's wedding-vaganza month/weeks/god knows... Not only I have numerous wedding invitations sitting on my desk, there are various wedding talks around me. In the office space that our company shared with our partner, there are 3 more weddings coming up. I see heads shaking over budget, arms flung out in exasperation, and more wedding preparation talk.

The thing about a wedding, in Indonesia at least, is never for the bride and groom but more the families coming together. For once and hopefully the last time,... two families have a say(s) on what is right, what is appropriate, what is customary, what is presentable on the day of the union. Indonesian weddings almost always invite many people, family, relatives, acquaintances, business partners; regardless of economics. A wedding is for EVERYONE. People dress up, throw in envelopes with money inside in the closed basket provided, sign their name in a guest book, eat and have their photos taken. There is music, photographers, videographers but (in most cases) no alcohol.

A typical Indonesian wedding consists of something like this:
1. Guests arrive at some sort of function hall beautifully decorated with flowers and pictures of bride & groom everywhere (read: pre-wedding photos)
2. Bride & Groom arrive and take their place on a stage
3. People starts lining up to congratulate or eat the food
4. Food is served buffet style
5. Friends & families take photos with the couple

Last Saturday, a co-worker got married and a whole bunch of us went. Here are some pictures of the event.

A Little of Cool

This morning my co-worker IM-me and said that he has something important to discuss with me and would like me to call him. Hmm...

K: Have you read that email JP sent us?
C: Nope, which one?
K: Our company is being sold!
C: Really? To who? (... At this point I began to worry)
K: Bono
C: Huh? (...very puzzled)
K: You know, the singer?
C: Yeah, of course I know who he is! But how? WTF?
K: You should read the email. I might misunderstand it...
C: Is this a good thing or a bad thing?
K: I don't know. No feeling.
C: Huh??

I scratched my head again, biting my nails whilst waiting for the email to be downloaded. There it was. A forwarded message from our CEO, who excitedly stated that we are now part of a group called Elevation Partners. One of the 5 Managing Partners is Bono. Yep. Bono, of the U2 fame. Cool Bono, who's not only a great rock star but also a great humanitarian who's working on poverty eradication. It's all good. GOOOD. KEWL.

So next time you talk to me and ask, "What's up with you today?"

C: Oh, I have a new boss...
?: Really? Is he or she nice? Is your position going to be in jeopardy?
C: Naaa, I don't think so. He's cool.
?: Who is he?
C: Bono.
?: What?
C: Yeah, U2-Bono is my boss...
?: (Speechless, in awe of coolness).
C: (Big grin on my face).

Bono is my boss. Well, not technically but in theory he is. I hear U2's "Elevation" in my head. It's cool. It's all good.

On Love

This is my final quote from Shantaram,...

"They'd lied to me and betrayed me, leaving jagged edges where all my trusts had been, and I didn't like or respect or admire them any more, but still I loved them. I had no choice. I understood that, perfectly, standing in the white wilderness of snow. You can't kill love. You can't even kill it with hate. You can kill in-love, and loving and even loveliness. You can kill them all, or numb them into dense, leaden regret, but you can't kill love itself. Love is the passionate search for a truth other than your own, and once you feel it, honestly and completely, love is forever. Every act of love, every moment of the heart reaching out, is a part of the universal good: it's a part of God, or what we call God, and it can never die."

-Gregory David Roberts-

Idyll Weekend

The weekend that just past was dreadful because it being 7.7.7 there were tons of event to attend: weddings(...and I hate going to them because they require such effort), parties, etc. It turned out to be one of the best weekends I've had, ever. Probably because I didn't go to any of the aforementioned above.

SATURDAY
I am a big Grey's Anatomy fan. Season 3 finished not too long ago and I finally got my hands on the whole lot. I started on episode 6, because I watched the first 5 episodes during my time in the US... and got sucked into the deep, dark, funny, disturbing drams of Seattle Grace Hospital. It was a day of Grey Marathon, junk food and the lot. The constant theme that keeps coming back to me is communication. It is such a simple word that requires creative action.

Communication is important to avoid mis-communication; a misinterpretation of intent; misunderstanding of feeling. One person must have endless ways of connecting to the different people, and its a constant learning process that can never be taken for granted. I can relate to Meredith when she shuts Derek out on things that matter, but talks to him about where she's going to be after lunch. Don't we all do that? We communicate the trivials and forget to speak about the personals, because it's so much harder to reveal our weaknesses to other people. Even if that person is supposedly your significant other.

It is easy for me to carry a full on conversation about everything and nothing with people, and yet it requires gianormous effort to tell a person I like that he has hurt my feelings. It takes time for me to say things out loud when it comes to how I feel about people I love. Oh well, I'm learning...

SUNDAY
Shantaram Brunch
Another great day that was originally planned to be a productive one; I think gym and grocery shopping and clock repair was part of the plan - only to be reduced to a long brunch at a bookshop cafe while I finised Shantaram for the second time, and a bit of grocery shopping. It was partly productive!

I gotta tell you though, that nothing beats that quiet Sunday afternoon sipping coffee reading a great book. My sense of fulfillment added when an elderly Indian man came up to me and said, "Hi, sorry to bother you... but I just want to say that I'm reading the exact same book and I love it." You know what they say about a japanese restaurant filled japanese? Yeah, it kinda felt like that. An Indian man reading a book about India? It's good. I know it's good; that is why I'm reading it for the second time... But it's nice to have that kind of validation. Nothing like being approved by the local.

Wimbledon Men's Singles Final
Roger Federer VS. Rafael Nadal. Need I say more? World's Rank No.1 VS. World No. 2. Both set out to break records. Federer was attempting 5 consecutive wins to equal Bjorn Borg's achievement, and Rafa was making an attempt at being consecutive champions of 2 Grand Slam tournaments: Roland Garros and Wimbledon, on 2 different surfaces. A surface that traditionally belongs to Federer.

Federer was a favourite. But when the first set lasted 56 minutes, an both of them were fighting for every single point, and Rafa took on the second set... you know that everything was possible. That made the match unbelievably amazing to watch. Strength, perseverance, focus, concentration, fighting spirit, agility, flexibility, endurance, strategy. Oh! Amazing! Did I say amazing! Oh. Oh. Oh. 5 sets of amazing tennis.

Federer set his record. He puts his name down as one of the legends.

And with that, I ended my ah-may-zeeeeng weekend with myself. Oh yeah, totally spend hours on end with myself. And you know what? It was one of the best weekends in my life.

What boys and girls talk about

I caught Ocean 13 just as it was about to be taken off the cinemas, and enjoyed the moment of camraderie between Rusty and Danny when they watched Oprah together (thanks Cal!). A moment of boys sharing their moments together; without the macho shoulder bumping, the loud laughs over beer, or the crazy yells over sports on telly. Boys quietly appreciating Oprah. Boys watch it, too... although they would never admit it. And they talked about their girlfriends/partners, too. In the most non-communicative, un-detailed, non-verbal conversation-kinda way. Watching that scene becomes somewhat a validation of something girls always thought of but never seen. It's like, proof! See!! If it's in the movies then it must be real! Ha!

It is common knowledge that when girls get together, they would talk about guys. Without fail. I know. I am one of them. Our conversations range from the most mundane facts of our relationship (or in my case lack of them) to the greatest detail of one's sexual encounter. Girls ponder upon why guys often ask the question, "what are you wearing?" over the phone. We start asking questions when someone who is close to us for the last few months suddenly gone quiet on the communication front; we assume then talk to our girlfriends, who normally make even worse assumptions. The sisterhood comes to a conclusion that one should ask subtly and thus, save herself from possible humiliation whenever the answer makes sense and does not confirm our paranoia. Girls grows up in a circle of support where sharing details of the story is almost as important as the story itself. The details are the nuts and bolts, the razzle dazzle that REALLY is a story/person/event. At times it is known as reading between the lines, at other times it is known as reading too much into nothing. A very fine line, that is.

We're just different creatures, boys and girls. Communication is something that we both need to learn. To me the hard thing is not the act of communicating; it is overcoming my own ego and pride that is even harder. I want to ask, but oh... it has to be the right time, when we're on the right topic, after the right food, never after a certain beverage. Ugh.

A very wise man once told me,"Whenever in doubt, just ask". Yeah, you do it!

Music

I started looking for live music in this town a few weeks ago for I am tired of the same bar, club scene frequented by all. For 2 Friday in a row, we managed to get good soul food. Talented musos, good venue and fun crowd --- all makes for good music, even if they play covers. Not simply covers though, well interpreted songs.

Souleh & Soulejah played @ Cafe Au Lait
Strange Fruit played @ D'place, Sarinah Thamrin

Blogging In My Head

So many things happened in the last few weeks that I have not had time to blog properly on this site. On my actual blog. I blog for a few seconds in my head whilst driving, whilst waiting for coffee to boil and of course I forgot all about them. I thought that I'd try to put down scraps of stuff that remains before I, really do not remember!

HEROES
For those who does not know of its existence, oh my god! click on the link above and find out and get yourself a copy of season 1. it's science fiction meets drama, without the geeky creatures, and soapy characters and oh, the pretty people is not that pretty which makes it, oh...so much more desirable.

One night, 3 girls were sitting down for a glass of good mojito in a bar and embarked on a deep meaningful conversation about the series. Here are some stuff we came up with on why we love the series. Okay, so some say it's cheesy what happens between Peter and Nathan; but that's brotherly love. Peter has never been strong and confident, he seeks validation all his life, but no matter what Nathan has always been there. That's love. Real love.

And yes, one doubts how a person with a multiple personality disorder can truly understand love and even love someone(s). Niki and Jessica does, for they're all and the same and everything they do, it's for the ones they love. The two personalities just love differently.

Save the world, save the cheerleader! A father who finally realises that what matters is his daughter. His love for her surpasses memory.

I can go on and on and on...

BIMBOESQUE

A term invented by the crazy, weird, beautiful Renu over dinner while we were talking about men. Everyone on the dinner table has lived in another country before, and when it comes to men we came to an agreement that intellectual men are hard to come by. That was not a feminist, burning bras, male bashing type of conversation but it was just a statement agreed by all.

We concluded that most men are intimidated by signs of intelligence in a woman, which is why on first encounters we have to "bimboesque" ourselves. We laughed hard because at some level, there's a lot of truth in that.

I take comments from the male population...

This post is longer than I expected. Apparently, I remember more once I start writing them. More posts to come. Don't get bored.

Under Paranoia

Like any other big cities, Jakarta is abundant in crimes; street vandalism, crime of desperation, crime of passion, white-collar crime... Anything. I don't know anyone who hasn't had a brushed with some kind of crime. As more and more people found out about what happened to me, stories began to flow. Somebody's co-worker was robbed under gunpoint, somebody's boss got stabbed even after she gave everything. Even more advice followed; never stop your car unsupervised (...always go into a secured office building with security guards, etc), have your car tinted to maximum, stand by a steel rod, etc.

Partly common sense, partly paranoia, I leave my house every morning after the incident with full guard. I worry when motorcycles ride too close to me. I don't place my purse next to me anymore, but instead under my seat, I hate traffic jams (not because of obvious reasons but because it gives a chance for motorbikes to "spy" on me. It's insane.

The newspapers metropolitan section are filled with stories of economic desperation. The increased living standard is not followed by salary adjustment. The government seems to be almost paralysed by numerous problems; one bigger than the other, that no matter how much effort being put into improving the situation, the effect never reaches the folks on the street. When citizens have to fend for their own well being and can no longer hope for government assistance, what becomes of this city? What role does a government play on the stage of our daily lives?

I try to put my incident in perspective and not let paranoia rule. It's bloody hard I tell you. Wish me luck...

WHAT I HAVE NOT LOST...

It happened yesterday morning... I was driving and a few people on motorcycles were pointing towards my rear right wheel. I couldn't make out what they said and I was suspicious for a while. I kept on driving until I found a convenient place to stop. I stopped, and without turning the engine off I stepped out of the car to check my rear right wheel. Obviously there was nothing wrong. It was very quick. Less than 2 minutes, and I didn't see anything or anyone.

I got back into the car and the front passenger door was ajar. And everything was GONE!! My iPod that was playing, my phone that was next to it with my headset, my laptop bag and my hand bag that has probably around 2 million rups in cash because I was going to drop by the bank. Everything was GONE.

It was like a scene in a movie where you know someone has left without saying goodbye. When you see the door ajar and wind blows the curtain. Empty. Gone. Those B&*%^$%!!

On a lighter note, I guess I should be grateful that they just took stuff and not hurt me, or had me at gun point/knife or something really horrible like that. Now it's just the hassle of trying to organise everything back and get new cards, etc. And get the old number back again. That's a little update on what's going on. Some of you might try to contact me on the mobile and failed -- That's the reason...

THE END

It is finally over. As much as I longed for this moment to come, I couldn't help feeling a little lost. All of a sudden all my nights are free again. No more rehearsals, no more bitching about the traffic going to the rehearsal venue, no more worrying about audience. No more. The curtain has closed. What is left is a few pictures to remember it by. Oh, and the new friends I've made during the process.

A million thanks to ES and RR for putting up with weeks of slacking at work. You gals are the best!

LOVE VS. FEAR

Today the show opens for special invitations and members of the press. I had trouble sleeping at night, much like a 5 year old resisting her afternoon nap before her birthday party, anxiety, excitement, fear and many undescribable emotions. It wasn't that I was concern of MY performance, or how I look, or how people would think of ME; but I worry that things will fall apart and the show couldn't hold itself together. But then look at the title of the show.

LOVE VS. FEAR.

I love the performing arts world because of its ability to transport people to "a moment" of magic; for both the performers and the audience. I love it because it gives me such thrill, even if I was only looking from backstage or on the highs of the bio box. I need that "moment"; because for a brief second you feel like you're giving something to others. The moment of giving has everything to do with sincerity, about serving a greater purpose -- a story, an audience, something bigger than yourself. It is when you give yourself completely to be merely a tool that you lost yourself and gain something else. When you give that, you give love. And love overcomes fear.

Wish me luck all!

Short on Words

Time is not something I have in abundance lately, due to my involvement in a show titled "LOVE VS. FEAR". The show opens in less than a week and things are getting harder and harder. But spirits are high and as Cal briefly said (on a slightly different context), "squeeze greatness".

Sneak peak from rehearsals...

A Search for Meaning

When I was young and naive and had no idea about the real world, I was burnt with passion and ideals. I wanted to make the world a better place. I loved Michael Jackson's HEAL THE WORLD (... I still like the song, even if I think he's turning into a real freak who needs serious help) because I truly believed that everybody has to try to make the world a better place. Only to later discover that childhood innocence gets washed away by harsh realities of life; that economic demands and the act of survival comes before social responsibilities and ecological awareness. Like many others, I surrendered to apathy and ignorance and went on about my life.

When I go about my life in such a way, I feel a loss of purpose. I believe there is a reason for everything; there has to be a purpose for everything. I, too, must have a purpose. What is my calling?

I left my job in production and found another and another job that allowed more time for self-pondering, time wasting, searching for a purpose kinda thing. I tried to seriously start something I love and work on it. I thought that I when I have time on my side, the search will be easier and my purpose will come to me.

NO.

Things don't get easier. I constantly found myself having to justify what I do and why I do it. Funny how when you think you're trying to contribute something to humanity, life doesn't make it easy on you. You are trying to do good, and yet everything around you comes in your way, the things you love become stumbling blocks, despair and frustration creeps in... trying to lure you back into apathy and ignorance. At times, I never feel so alone.

This morning I was reminded that searching for your calling is not going to be an easy journey. The hardships are training us to be stronger than the problems, bigger than the obstacles. In facing these challenges we become the kind of people we are supposed to be. They are there to squeeze greatness out of us.

HIP HOP Pockemon Crew

Last night we saw a hip hip troupe from Lyon, France POCKEMON CREW performed their dance moves. Everybody has amazing bodies and wooo... The amount of things that human bodies can do!! Amazing!! At one point I said to Cal, "I wish they would take their top off. I want to see their muscled toned body." They did. These guys have bodies sculpted by the finest, and muscles we normal people don't have. Sigh.

For more of their stuff, visit them here.

Cool Story

Who doesn't have a gay or lesbian friend these days? How many painful stories of coming out or family pressures have you heard thus far? I came across this particular story on my favourite blog and I thought of sharing it.

My Mom Made Me Gay.

Hope to inspire...

Shantaram

Those who are following this blog would've heard about this book, written beautifully by Gregory David Roberts. My first experience with this book was back in 2005 and now I'm hoping to find new things from it. And I did...

One of the reason why we crave love, and seek it so desperately is that love is the only cure for loneliness, and shame, and sorrow. But some feelings sink so deep into the heart that only loneliness can help you find them again. Some truths about yourself are so painful that only shame can help you live with them. And some things are just so sad that only your soul can do the crying for you.

Keep an eye out for other blurps from Shantaram. Have patience. The book has close to 1000 pages.

Fun Randomness #1

Your Birthdate: August 1

You are a natural born leader, even if those leadership talents haven't been developed yet. You have the power and self confidence to succeed in life, and your power grows daily. Besides power, you also have a great deal of creativity that enables you to innovate instead of fail. You are a visionary, seeing the big picture instead of all of the trivial little details. Your strength: Your supreme genius Your weakness: Your inappropriate sensitivity Your power color: Gold Your power symbol: Star Your power month: January

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Going 30

“Can you ask the driver to get me Dulcox when you’re going to the supermarket,” Dad yells from inside the room. Mum rose from the couch and utters a lazy yes. “Mum… “ Dad yells again impatiently. He doesn’t hear my mother’s response. “Dinner is ready.” She announces. “Yeah, pour some salt and pepper on top. And leave the door open, I want to talk to the driver.” Mum leaves with a sour face and yet does what Dad asks him to do.

I sit on the sofa listening to the brief conversation between my parents. My dad is cranky because he has been feeling unwell for the last few days. He has been to the doctor a few times, has had some blood works done and the result is still negative. There is nothing wrong with him. He feels crap without knowing why and he detests the way Mum thinks he is being a drama queen. I, too, think that he puts too much drama onto it. I am equally responsible to the mood that Dad is in. Mum is simply tired. It rains a lot today and traffic coming back home is hell.

Dad has always been bossy. Mum has always been the quiet one. People told me that about my parents. How Dad was active in church, captain of the high school basketball team, he has friends from all over the country, a hugely popular guy. Mum was a goody-goody two shoes, a devoted Sunday school teacher. She married her first boyfriend. Dad? I don’t know how many girl friends he’s had before Mum. I never asked.

I always thought that I had a reasonably good upbringing. My family provided a stable loving environment for children to grow up in. I think we turned out to be good, responsible adults and made them proud. Family is a pillar of strength; home is where we feel safe. I still feel that, to a certain extent… But lately, I can never stay at home too long.

There are too many conversations like above. Where Dad is cranky and Mum is tired. There are raised voices. Dad gets angry and gives her a silent treatment because she makes more sense and proves the he is wrong. His ego is hurt and he keeps quiet for the rest of the night. Stubbornness runs in the family. Both Mum and Dad have strong principals though express them differently. I am used to seeing them argue and yet, I don’t think I can watch or listen to too much of this. 30 years of marriage. Is this all there is?

What happens to two people who vowed to spend the rest of their lives together, for richer or poorer, through sickness and health till death separates? What becomes of the relationship when physical attraction no longer holds? How does the relationship evolve to last? At what point can someone decides that enough is enough?

These are frightening questions for a single girl who tries desperately to still believe in a relationship. When even a lasting relationship takes a down route after years of wear and tear, should she still bother? Somebody said that the best thing about love and relationship is the fact that it constantly changing, taking new forms, reborn, evolve and therefore it can never lose its excitement. It is not easy and some simply gives up without trying.

As I look at my parents’ 30 years of marriage, I sit here thinking that the one thing I need to pay attention to is how they manage to stay together despite the ups and downs, through Dad’s bossiness and Mum’s silent looks; still trying to keep it together. I should learn about love, strength and endurance. And above all, I should learn to have faith and hope that not all is lost in love and war…

Jakarta, 10 May 2007

Survival of the Fittest

About 2 weeks ago, The Minister of Information and Blabla (I don't even know the department's current title) released a new regulation about foreigners working within the commercial film industry. A new ruling will eventually phase out the numerous film crews working in this country and creating new opportunities for the locals.

There were pros and cons when the ruling came out; uncertainties and confusion filled the minds of many. Film directors, composers, editors, flame artists and many more. My friends who have fell in love with this country and the many benefits they have as foreigners. When this ruling is enforced many will have to flee Jakarta and go back to their country, or try their luck in other developing nations where the advertising industry is at its infancy and foreign talents are important to provide training and raise production standards. A mate of mine eloquently put it, "...Some of these people are in for a shock. Washing their own clothes, driving their own cars, having sex with women their own age.. it's gonna be ugly." It means a change of lifestyle. An abandonment of fully services environment provided by cheap labour and tons of domestic help; where everybody has at least one maid and maybe a driver.

Will the locals really benefit from this ruling though? Most people I've spoken to simply shake their heads. In the era of open market, why are we closing our doors and offer senseless protectionism? Is it a protection to ensure local growth or is it simply fear due to incompetence? I had been lucky to have worked with really great foreign crews; the standards I learned working in a foreign own production company is something I can easily apply in many parts of the world, because it is international standards. Foreign crews bring with them healthy working attitude and we can all learn from.

And I believe in survival of the fittest. Many local directors have risen up to the challenge and handle respectable brands with highly praised production standards. If you're good, you're good no matter what colour skin you are...

Childhood Memories

Last night my friend and I spoke of our childhood. We talked about the books we grew up with written by local or international writers such as Enid Blyton, Astrid Lindgren, Alfred Hitchock. We talked about detective stories, adventure tales and our childhood dreams of becoming pirates, kid detective solving crimes, a girl who lands on a foreign land. We also spoke of Japanese cartoon (that was it was called back then, animation was not part of our vocabulary)we grew up with. Robots and race cars and inter galactic travels, before we landed on my most favourite anime series Voltus V.

As children our minds absorb everything around us like a sponge, very little filtering was done and at the same time, our simple minds miss plenty of subtexts. Voltes V tells a story about inter galactical imperialism, racism, team work, solidarity and independence. It was not just about Voltes V defeating alien robots and saving the earth once again. It told a tale of broken families and redemption. It talks of "real stuff".



I never realised how much I missed out on, until I started watching the series again about a year ago. Suddenly Voltus V was not just about identifying myself with Megumi (who's the only girl in the group) who's a super cool ninja, but also about a universal struggle in holding on to certain ideals. Many of these issues are still very much alive to this very day. We still have to deal with modern day racism and discrimination. We fight fear and terror on a daily basis, and yet we no longer have a recent day Voltus V to remind us.

GREAT-FULL NIGHT

I am grateful for a night out where you get to see passion and care about the world. A night of learning and inspiration. A beautiful reminder of what passion is, and what it is to care about something enough to want to say something about it. It is not just about the topic, but also about the doing something about it. It is good to be reminded that action speaks louder than words, even if your action is delivered in words. (Thanks ST).

I am grateful for the lack of people of the like mind in this city. It makes meeting someone like that feels really special and makes me feel fortunate. A time like this does not come very often. It teaches you to value every moment and never to take anything or anyone for granted. You need the good to differentiate the bad; the ugly to appreciate the beautiful. (Thanks UH).

I am grateful for the blank noise this city brings. Its loud roar and hollow echo amplifies the low frequency conversation that happens over coffee. These conversations might not be deep, or meaningful, but they are real; and at a time when reality is but a mere idea, just to feel real is good enough. (Thanks UH).

I am grateful to talk to someone who inspires, to be reminded of a purpose. I ask the same question to myself and heard a tiny voice answers... I know that. I've always known. I got scared. For to fulfill my purpose I need to bare all, to let myself go and to share this person to others. I need to learn to feel and be honest about it. I need to feel again. Why is it so darn difficult? (Thanks DM).

Because I need to let myself be.

To NoOne

We spoke of loneliness without understanding
We spoke of times shared with no one
We hear laughter echoing the silent night
We hear a cry in the middle of day

The cool breeze and the warm sun
The rolling thunder on a bright skyline
I sit quietly waiting
I sit quietly waiting

I want rain to come
I want drops of water wash away the void
I want rain to come
I want showers to fill the hole

The smell of wet grass
Freshness of newborn earth
The new stays clean and blank

I don't feel better
I don't feel better

Pop Splice

Let Love In
(John Rzeznik/Glen Ballard/Greg Wattenberg)

You wait, wanting this world
To let you in
And you stand there
A frozen light
In dark and empty streets
You smile hiding behind
A God-given face
But I know you're so much more
Everything they ignore
Is all that I need to believe

You're the only one I ever believed in
The answer that could never be found
The moment you decided to let love in
Now I'm banging on the door of an angel
The end of fear is where we begin
The moment we decided to let love in

I wish
Wishing for you to find your way
And I'll hold on for all you need
That's all we need to say
I'll take my chances while
You take your time with
This game you play
But I can't control your soul
You need to let me know
You leaving or you gonna stay

You're the only one I ever believed in
The answer that could never be found
The moment you decided to let love in
Now I'm banging on the door of an angel
The end of fear is where we begin
The moment we decided to let love in

There's nothing we can do about
The things we have to do without
The only way to feel again
Is let love in

There's nothing we can do about
The things we have to live without
The only way to see again
Is let love in 

You're the only one I ever believed in
The answer that could never be found
The moment you decided to let love in
Now I'm banging on the door of an angel
The end of fear is where we begin
The moment we decided to let love in

In waiting for fear to subside and taking a chance again...

All About Food

What is it about chinese Indonesian and food? To celebrate my grandmother's 92nd birthday, my auntie threw a little lunch gathering for our extended family. My auntie invited her cousins; all aunties and uncles I have never really known were there, deeply engaged in jovial conversation about traditional food they used to eat when they were children. I sat politely in the corner, as a representative of my generation, trying to follow the dialogues that happen in mix street Javanese and Indonesian.

My dad's family came from a small town in central java, and his cousins all lived in neighbouring towns. As chinese Indonesians, their taste buds grew with the mixture of local (read: Javanese fondness of everything sweet) and home cooking. They shared the same love for food, traditional tahu telor, bakmi jawa, mie tek tek, urap, asem asem jawa, lo mie, kepiting tarakan, lotek, and many other things I never knew. They spoke longingly of vegetables that had dissapeared, only to have one auntie said, "Hey... I could find that in a market near my house!" In which the conversation shifted to comparing markets in different parts of Jakarta. There were talks of shiitake, soft shell crabs, watercrest lettuce, different type of noodles... My parents' generation not only know how to enjoy food, but also prepare the best dishes to suit the tongue. This generation is fluent in many aspects of food because it is such an integral part of life. They; and I, too for that matter, would not know how to live otherwise.

At a different gathering last night, my friend's German husband fondly told me that he was slowly learning to understand his wife's love for food. His Indonesian words vocabulary currently consist of words like fish, chicken, pork, beef, vegetables, soup, crackers to name a few. He said that whenever there was more than 3-4 people hanging out, food would definitely be a topic, and of course no event is complete without eating. As we were talking about that, his mother in law walked past with a big plate of Ayam Bulungan. See??

I began to wonder, what would my cousins and I talk about 20 years from now. When we have a similar gathering to cath up on lost times, would we speak longingly about the food of our generation? Would we speak about food preparation also? Or would we be talking about restaurants instead because we no longer cook?

My mouth goes watery just writing about this. I want soft shell crab crumbles in my hand as it caresses my mouth before it goes into my stomach. Yummm...

The False Notion of Seclusion

The last few times I went away to have a break were spent in a tranquil place where not a lot happened. It is a form of retreat; where I escape the hustle and bustle of work, play, family, friends, responsibilities, obligations. It was time to surrender to moments of the day, to have no plans and do as one felt on that fleeting moment. I would often try to write, to reflect and most of the time, try to not do anything at all. The destinations were carefully picked to ensure privacy; where chances of meeting people you know were slimmed down to none.

I was sure that the above things were also in the heads of the couple staying in a unit below my room. The room was secluded and private (... so much so that even a private pool was provided), after all they must have paid a hefty price for this convenience. They took advantage of it, of course... not realising that on one lovely afternoon, a girl just happened to raise her neck a little too high above the pool to accidently take part in their privacy. I stayed quiet, held back my laughter inside and frantically invited my friend to quickly jumped in the pool to share the experience. The couple was just talking to each other in their pool. Stark naked.

At breakfast the next day, one friend suddenly realised that another couple was a friend of another friend. It seemed to bother him that in this remote place on another side of the ocean, somebody knew who he was. I don't know how much it bothers him because we didn't talk about it again.

That goes to say that one can only attempt to protect oneself from other people; from meeting people you know and who knows you; we often let our guard down thinking that for once we are completely safe. That we can just be ourselves for the world to see. After all, isn't that why we go on to these retreats? To spend invaluable times with our inner self, and not be bothered with the various faces we need to put on as we carefully tread our daily lives? At the end of it, we would never know. As my friend and I lowered our necks and talked about our voyeuristic experience, we also appreciate the blissfulness of not knowing (...or them not knowing). That like the couples below, we try and do our best to not care, to enjoy the moments as they are and embrace the unexpected they bring.

Thanks BB for the title!

A good whole of nothing

A few days off. A few days under the scorching sun, where the heat burns you while the wind caresses your face. A few lazy days spent between the pool, the sea and the bed. A few days filled with fulfilling nothingness. Damn. I didn't want to go home.

Techno Love

Technological advances inevitably change the way we live. Gone are the days of letters, telegrams, journals, where waiting and anticipating were half of the fun. The value of time is increased to the nano second. No time should be wasted in waiting for the other person to tell you what he or she is thinking in writing. Text message service, emails, blackberry, push email replaced pull email. Skype eliminates traditional nation states boundaries, everyone is just a phone call away. Soon, time difference would become a concept irrelevant to our current ways of life.

How does this affect how we relate to other people? How is the modern relationship is shaped by technology? Interestingly enough, two of my close friends are on long distance relationships. Totally unplanned for; cross states, cross continent. I gave a long sigh when I heard about this. As happy as I am for them, I know that serious hard work is waiting for them.

LA-C had a few days of "technological-break-down-day" (... where every piece of technology you touch breaks down, hangs or simply won't work) trying to talk to J. Just to talk to him requires super effort on her behalf, mainly due to reasons she can't explain. She relies heavily on technology to keep the communication between them. Because you can't be talking on the phone forever, she must learn to be a good writer (... that, she naturally is...), to communicate her feelings and emotions, to light the words of her emails with passion and excitement.

VC-C learnt that the guy she is seeing is not a good communicator when not in person. Communication technology becomes useless. She would find disjointed words, and ignorance over the blackberry. But every time they see each other, magic happens and that keeps her going. It gives her a reason to take a chance.

I think in essence technology opens up new possibilities for people to be together. It doesn't always make it easier; love and relationship never is, but it can be the next best thing. It can help to make the relationship interesting. You can show the other person your bedroom. You can hear and see them at the same time. There's a sense of immediacy about it that helps a lot.

Excuse this post. It doesn't actually answer anything at all. Just a little insight of my current state of mine. Messy. I'm going to bed.

Dec 7, 2007

My Melbourne house mate Marsha and her fiance, Claude visited end of last year. Here's some photos of our night out (since they were only here for a few days). The date is set for December 7, 2007. I'm excited. It's good to know when you'll be traveling again. It is for me. It will feel like going home. Once again.

What a girl needs...

Let's talk about sex. For once, let's just be open and blunt and talk about it. Let's admit that people needs it for various different reasons, both physical and emotional. Let's stop pretending that it's not a topic to be talked about in the open. Let's take off our judging hat and our sensible minds and talk about sex.

SEX.

Much like the series Sex And The City, girls talk about sex a lot of times. The lack of it, the excitement and the emotions that come with it. A girlfriend with relationship problems admitted in a very low voice that her guy had not touched her for more than 10 months. She could not look at us in the eyes when she said the words. As a woman, it made her feel inadequate. She tried to find an answer, but couldn't come up with one. Another friend plainly said, "Oh that doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you. He's just getting it somewhere else." Her eyes widened in disbelief. Her guy, her knight in shining armour. He's a man after all.

Why is sex so important to some people? Let's see... Extreme physical pleasure? Provided one has an orgasm, it is definitely a good feeling. But as human beings, we are deeply emotional whether we like it or not. The physical is closely linked to the emotional. The art of looking at someone; a total stranger who catches the eye raises desire. A feeling of wanting. In receiving the look, one feels desired. A feeling of wanted. An ego boost.

I think at the most basic level, sex is physical gratification. Please don't mistake sex with intimacy. It is no way near it. I'm simply talking about the sex as an act; out of context. Although having said that, I reliase that it is impossible to disregard various factors involved like emotions, economics, religion, and other socio-cultural aspects.

Going back to my friend. Her problems were not just sex. Like serious marital problems, they were rooted in darker corners and them not having it, was just a result from all of the above. Many months later, one divorce and one drink too many she finally got laid. She had a gorgeous boy who gave her pleasure, and not only that... she actually really likes him.

At the risk of over simplifying things, sex makes you feel good. Generally. When done with the right person, for the right reason, at the right time. Sex shouldn't be the only thing responsible for your happiness, nor should it become the measure of a good relationship. Sex should only be one of the many things that are important in a relationship. It is as important as the look you get when you put on that sexy underwear, or the hand that reaches out for you across the table at dinner time, or the toe that tries to find you under the blanket, or the laughter you hear on the other line when you tell a joke. I could go on and on and on...

And I should stop here, because it's no longer about sex. It has become sex and all the other things that a girl needs...

Self Service

For as long as I can remember, all households in Jakarta have a maid, or two, or three and more. Everybody has a maid, even if you're not that well-off. Don't think about mansion-like houses and huge gardens to tend to. A 70 sqm house would have a maid...

When I grew up, I remember this maid from central java who took care of me when I was a kid. We moved house and started employing another girl for about 5-6 years until she decided to get married with the next door's neighbour's maid. She quit, but not before training her future husband's little sister to become our maid. The Christian Maid's Family Dynasty started then. Her husband became our driver until now. The little sister worked for us for about 10 years before she, too got married with another neighbour's maid. She got married, but this time no replacement. We endured 12 months without one, until my mom couldn't hack it anymore and asked my old maid; my driver's wife to come and work for us again. She comes in the morning and leaves in late afternoon much like a 9-5 job.

Yesterday over coffee, I found out that one of my staff doesn't have a maid. A family with 3 children still living under one roof. With no maid. I was amazed! The last time they had a maid was when she was about 13 yro. That was 13 years ago... "Our old maid passed away and we just couldn't bear the thought of replacing her with another person. We just kept on going. Every Saturday we had to clean up the house. It's a routine."

It is nice and convenient to have a maid, but it is not impossible not to have one. Now I live in a shared household with a maid who only shows up if we call her. That's nice. It's almost like having an elf in the house. The house work is done, but we feel like we're the only ones in the house.

Do we really need a maid? I guess if you're with young children and both parents work, it makes a lot of sense. It is better for many families to live on double income, even if it means that they have to pay someone to take care of the house and children. The trade off is to live with a stranger -- hey, I can take that anytime. I live with practically two strangers now...
I like having a maid. I know I don't have to. But that also means that I'm giving employment to those in need. And the argument goes on...