Short on Words

Time is not something I have in abundance lately, due to my involvement in a show titled "LOVE VS. FEAR". The show opens in less than a week and things are getting harder and harder. But spirits are high and as Cal briefly said (on a slightly different context), "squeeze greatness".

Sneak peak from rehearsals...

A Search for Meaning

When I was young and naive and had no idea about the real world, I was burnt with passion and ideals. I wanted to make the world a better place. I loved Michael Jackson's HEAL THE WORLD (... I still like the song, even if I think he's turning into a real freak who needs serious help) because I truly believed that everybody has to try to make the world a better place. Only to later discover that childhood innocence gets washed away by harsh realities of life; that economic demands and the act of survival comes before social responsibilities and ecological awareness. Like many others, I surrendered to apathy and ignorance and went on about my life.

When I go about my life in such a way, I feel a loss of purpose. I believe there is a reason for everything; there has to be a purpose for everything. I, too, must have a purpose. What is my calling?

I left my job in production and found another and another job that allowed more time for self-pondering, time wasting, searching for a purpose kinda thing. I tried to seriously start something I love and work on it. I thought that I when I have time on my side, the search will be easier and my purpose will come to me.

NO.

Things don't get easier. I constantly found myself having to justify what I do and why I do it. Funny how when you think you're trying to contribute something to humanity, life doesn't make it easy on you. You are trying to do good, and yet everything around you comes in your way, the things you love become stumbling blocks, despair and frustration creeps in... trying to lure you back into apathy and ignorance. At times, I never feel so alone.

This morning I was reminded that searching for your calling is not going to be an easy journey. The hardships are training us to be stronger than the problems, bigger than the obstacles. In facing these challenges we become the kind of people we are supposed to be. They are there to squeeze greatness out of us.

HIP HOP Pockemon Crew

Last night we saw a hip hip troupe from Lyon, France POCKEMON CREW performed their dance moves. Everybody has amazing bodies and wooo... The amount of things that human bodies can do!! Amazing!! At one point I said to Cal, "I wish they would take their top off. I want to see their muscled toned body." They did. These guys have bodies sculpted by the finest, and muscles we normal people don't have. Sigh.

For more of their stuff, visit them here.

Cool Story

Who doesn't have a gay or lesbian friend these days? How many painful stories of coming out or family pressures have you heard thus far? I came across this particular story on my favourite blog and I thought of sharing it.

My Mom Made Me Gay.

Hope to inspire...

Shantaram

Those who are following this blog would've heard about this book, written beautifully by Gregory David Roberts. My first experience with this book was back in 2005 and now I'm hoping to find new things from it. And I did...

One of the reason why we crave love, and seek it so desperately is that love is the only cure for loneliness, and shame, and sorrow. But some feelings sink so deep into the heart that only loneliness can help you find them again. Some truths about yourself are so painful that only shame can help you live with them. And some things are just so sad that only your soul can do the crying for you.

Keep an eye out for other blurps from Shantaram. Have patience. The book has close to 1000 pages.

Fun Randomness #1

Your Birthdate: August 1

You are a natural born leader, even if those leadership talents haven't been developed yet. You have the power and self confidence to succeed in life, and your power grows daily. Besides power, you also have a great deal of creativity that enables you to innovate instead of fail. You are a visionary, seeing the big picture instead of all of the trivial little details. Your strength: Your supreme genius Your weakness: Your inappropriate sensitivity Your power color: Gold Your power symbol: Star Your power month: January

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Going 30

“Can you ask the driver to get me Dulcox when you’re going to the supermarket,” Dad yells from inside the room. Mum rose from the couch and utters a lazy yes. “Mum… “ Dad yells again impatiently. He doesn’t hear my mother’s response. “Dinner is ready.” She announces. “Yeah, pour some salt and pepper on top. And leave the door open, I want to talk to the driver.” Mum leaves with a sour face and yet does what Dad asks him to do.

I sit on the sofa listening to the brief conversation between my parents. My dad is cranky because he has been feeling unwell for the last few days. He has been to the doctor a few times, has had some blood works done and the result is still negative. There is nothing wrong with him. He feels crap without knowing why and he detests the way Mum thinks he is being a drama queen. I, too, think that he puts too much drama onto it. I am equally responsible to the mood that Dad is in. Mum is simply tired. It rains a lot today and traffic coming back home is hell.

Dad has always been bossy. Mum has always been the quiet one. People told me that about my parents. How Dad was active in church, captain of the high school basketball team, he has friends from all over the country, a hugely popular guy. Mum was a goody-goody two shoes, a devoted Sunday school teacher. She married her first boyfriend. Dad? I don’t know how many girl friends he’s had before Mum. I never asked.

I always thought that I had a reasonably good upbringing. My family provided a stable loving environment for children to grow up in. I think we turned out to be good, responsible adults and made them proud. Family is a pillar of strength; home is where we feel safe. I still feel that, to a certain extent… But lately, I can never stay at home too long.

There are too many conversations like above. Where Dad is cranky and Mum is tired. There are raised voices. Dad gets angry and gives her a silent treatment because she makes more sense and proves the he is wrong. His ego is hurt and he keeps quiet for the rest of the night. Stubbornness runs in the family. Both Mum and Dad have strong principals though express them differently. I am used to seeing them argue and yet, I don’t think I can watch or listen to too much of this. 30 years of marriage. Is this all there is?

What happens to two people who vowed to spend the rest of their lives together, for richer or poorer, through sickness and health till death separates? What becomes of the relationship when physical attraction no longer holds? How does the relationship evolve to last? At what point can someone decides that enough is enough?

These are frightening questions for a single girl who tries desperately to still believe in a relationship. When even a lasting relationship takes a down route after years of wear and tear, should she still bother? Somebody said that the best thing about love and relationship is the fact that it constantly changing, taking new forms, reborn, evolve and therefore it can never lose its excitement. It is not easy and some simply gives up without trying.

As I look at my parents’ 30 years of marriage, I sit here thinking that the one thing I need to pay attention to is how they manage to stay together despite the ups and downs, through Dad’s bossiness and Mum’s silent looks; still trying to keep it together. I should learn about love, strength and endurance. And above all, I should learn to have faith and hope that not all is lost in love and war…

Jakarta, 10 May 2007

Survival of the Fittest

About 2 weeks ago, The Minister of Information and Blabla (I don't even know the department's current title) released a new regulation about foreigners working within the commercial film industry. A new ruling will eventually phase out the numerous film crews working in this country and creating new opportunities for the locals.

There were pros and cons when the ruling came out; uncertainties and confusion filled the minds of many. Film directors, composers, editors, flame artists and many more. My friends who have fell in love with this country and the many benefits they have as foreigners. When this ruling is enforced many will have to flee Jakarta and go back to their country, or try their luck in other developing nations where the advertising industry is at its infancy and foreign talents are important to provide training and raise production standards. A mate of mine eloquently put it, "...Some of these people are in for a shock. Washing their own clothes, driving their own cars, having sex with women their own age.. it's gonna be ugly." It means a change of lifestyle. An abandonment of fully services environment provided by cheap labour and tons of domestic help; where everybody has at least one maid and maybe a driver.

Will the locals really benefit from this ruling though? Most people I've spoken to simply shake their heads. In the era of open market, why are we closing our doors and offer senseless protectionism? Is it a protection to ensure local growth or is it simply fear due to incompetence? I had been lucky to have worked with really great foreign crews; the standards I learned working in a foreign own production company is something I can easily apply in many parts of the world, because it is international standards. Foreign crews bring with them healthy working attitude and we can all learn from.

And I believe in survival of the fittest. Many local directors have risen up to the challenge and handle respectable brands with highly praised production standards. If you're good, you're good no matter what colour skin you are...

Childhood Memories

Last night my friend and I spoke of our childhood. We talked about the books we grew up with written by local or international writers such as Enid Blyton, Astrid Lindgren, Alfred Hitchock. We talked about detective stories, adventure tales and our childhood dreams of becoming pirates, kid detective solving crimes, a girl who lands on a foreign land. We also spoke of Japanese cartoon (that was it was called back then, animation was not part of our vocabulary)we grew up with. Robots and race cars and inter galactic travels, before we landed on my most favourite anime series Voltus V.

As children our minds absorb everything around us like a sponge, very little filtering was done and at the same time, our simple minds miss plenty of subtexts. Voltes V tells a story about inter galactical imperialism, racism, team work, solidarity and independence. It was not just about Voltes V defeating alien robots and saving the earth once again. It told a tale of broken families and redemption. It talks of "real stuff".



I never realised how much I missed out on, until I started watching the series again about a year ago. Suddenly Voltus V was not just about identifying myself with Megumi (who's the only girl in the group) who's a super cool ninja, but also about a universal struggle in holding on to certain ideals. Many of these issues are still very much alive to this very day. We still have to deal with modern day racism and discrimination. We fight fear and terror on a daily basis, and yet we no longer have a recent day Voltus V to remind us.

GREAT-FULL NIGHT

I am grateful for a night out where you get to see passion and care about the world. A night of learning and inspiration. A beautiful reminder of what passion is, and what it is to care about something enough to want to say something about it. It is not just about the topic, but also about the doing something about it. It is good to be reminded that action speaks louder than words, even if your action is delivered in words. (Thanks ST).

I am grateful for the lack of people of the like mind in this city. It makes meeting someone like that feels really special and makes me feel fortunate. A time like this does not come very often. It teaches you to value every moment and never to take anything or anyone for granted. You need the good to differentiate the bad; the ugly to appreciate the beautiful. (Thanks UH).

I am grateful for the blank noise this city brings. Its loud roar and hollow echo amplifies the low frequency conversation that happens over coffee. These conversations might not be deep, or meaningful, but they are real; and at a time when reality is but a mere idea, just to feel real is good enough. (Thanks UH).

I am grateful to talk to someone who inspires, to be reminded of a purpose. I ask the same question to myself and heard a tiny voice answers... I know that. I've always known. I got scared. For to fulfill my purpose I need to bare all, to let myself go and to share this person to others. I need to learn to feel and be honest about it. I need to feel again. Why is it so darn difficult? (Thanks DM).

Because I need to let myself be.

To NoOne

We spoke of loneliness without understanding
We spoke of times shared with no one
We hear laughter echoing the silent night
We hear a cry in the middle of day

The cool breeze and the warm sun
The rolling thunder on a bright skyline
I sit quietly waiting
I sit quietly waiting

I want rain to come
I want drops of water wash away the void
I want rain to come
I want showers to fill the hole

The smell of wet grass
Freshness of newborn earth
The new stays clean and blank

I don't feel better
I don't feel better

Pop Splice

Let Love In
(John Rzeznik/Glen Ballard/Greg Wattenberg)

You wait, wanting this world
To let you in
And you stand there
A frozen light
In dark and empty streets
You smile hiding behind
A God-given face
But I know you're so much more
Everything they ignore
Is all that I need to believe

You're the only one I ever believed in
The answer that could never be found
The moment you decided to let love in
Now I'm banging on the door of an angel
The end of fear is where we begin
The moment we decided to let love in

I wish
Wishing for you to find your way
And I'll hold on for all you need
That's all we need to say
I'll take my chances while
You take your time with
This game you play
But I can't control your soul
You need to let me know
You leaving or you gonna stay

You're the only one I ever believed in
The answer that could never be found
The moment you decided to let love in
Now I'm banging on the door of an angel
The end of fear is where we begin
The moment we decided to let love in

There's nothing we can do about
The things we have to do without
The only way to feel again
Is let love in

There's nothing we can do about
The things we have to live without
The only way to see again
Is let love in 

You're the only one I ever believed in
The answer that could never be found
The moment you decided to let love in
Now I'm banging on the door of an angel
The end of fear is where we begin
The moment we decided to let love in

In waiting for fear to subside and taking a chance again...