Godspeed

Do you think I'm lost?
For as long as I've lived, I've always had people telling me what to do. I spent half my life trying to please my mother, and then another decade to please the man I love. I have never pleased myself. I don't know how. All this time, I never knew how to please myself without pleasing others. Is that even possible? It is a concept that is alien to me. Now that the man I loved is no longer in the picture, I'm struggling to not let my mother back in.

I need to know myself. I want to know what I want. I want to know if it is too late to change. I want to do things that are part of who I am. Whoever this person is. I thought I knew what I liked, but maybe I made them up because they would benefit the person I was trying to please. Now, I questioned everything.

I forgot to tell you this the other night. I think you should get lost whilst traveling. It has a funny way to lead you to the path of where you should be, and introducing you to the hidden you's inside. Godspeed.

What is a Birthday?

What is a birthday?
It's a day to be glad
for all the good things you've had

(anon)

There is still a few days left in August -my birth month- to write about birthdays and the things that come with being older. It is a post that is hopefully, a little bit more than just self-introspection cum indulgence. It should be about becoming older and wiser. Or is it to lament the loss of youth? Maybe neither.

Despite the many downs in life in 2007, I found myself grateful for "all the good things I've had". It doesn't mean that I've had more ups than downs, but I've managed to see the good came out from the bad. All the downs had some kind of an upside to it; not because I chose to see the glass as half full, but because I saw the lessons learned and the better person I've become.

When another year is added to your life, sometimes you can't help but wonder about the years that passed. You questioned the value of your achievements (...if there is any at all), you revisit old goals (...and wondered what happened to them), you mourn the failure of romantic relationships (...and why they don't even exist for you), you worry about financial security (...and how to get the kind of safety written in rich dad poor dad), and in the end feeling nothing but like a complete failure.

After 2 minutes of feeling like a total loser, a sense of peace came over me. It is rather strange to feel at peace with yourself when those questions were lingering in your head. Somehow the same questions that made you feel like a total failure, were also humbling you.

They teach me about humility. That no matter how many things you have achieved, there are always bigger things to do. That goals are set to be met. That a failure only means that you have to work harder. There are bigger things than yourself.

I am learning to lessen my-self, and serving others. The older I get, the less time I have in doing that. Better buckle up and hurry. You don't have forever.