Going 30

“Can you ask the driver to get me Dulcox when you’re going to the supermarket,” Dad yells from inside the room. Mum rose from the couch and utters a lazy yes. “Mum… “ Dad yells again impatiently. He doesn’t hear my mother’s response. “Dinner is ready.” She announces. “Yeah, pour some salt and pepper on top. And leave the door open, I want to talk to the driver.” Mum leaves with a sour face and yet does what Dad asks him to do.

I sit on the sofa listening to the brief conversation between my parents. My dad is cranky because he has been feeling unwell for the last few days. He has been to the doctor a few times, has had some blood works done and the result is still negative. There is nothing wrong with him. He feels crap without knowing why and he detests the way Mum thinks he is being a drama queen. I, too, think that he puts too much drama onto it. I am equally responsible to the mood that Dad is in. Mum is simply tired. It rains a lot today and traffic coming back home is hell.

Dad has always been bossy. Mum has always been the quiet one. People told me that about my parents. How Dad was active in church, captain of the high school basketball team, he has friends from all over the country, a hugely popular guy. Mum was a goody-goody two shoes, a devoted Sunday school teacher. She married her first boyfriend. Dad? I don’t know how many girl friends he’s had before Mum. I never asked.

I always thought that I had a reasonably good upbringing. My family provided a stable loving environment for children to grow up in. I think we turned out to be good, responsible adults and made them proud. Family is a pillar of strength; home is where we feel safe. I still feel that, to a certain extent… But lately, I can never stay at home too long.

There are too many conversations like above. Where Dad is cranky and Mum is tired. There are raised voices. Dad gets angry and gives her a silent treatment because she makes more sense and proves the he is wrong. His ego is hurt and he keeps quiet for the rest of the night. Stubbornness runs in the family. Both Mum and Dad have strong principals though express them differently. I am used to seeing them argue and yet, I don’t think I can watch or listen to too much of this. 30 years of marriage. Is this all there is?

What happens to two people who vowed to spend the rest of their lives together, for richer or poorer, through sickness and health till death separates? What becomes of the relationship when physical attraction no longer holds? How does the relationship evolve to last? At what point can someone decides that enough is enough?

These are frightening questions for a single girl who tries desperately to still believe in a relationship. When even a lasting relationship takes a down route after years of wear and tear, should she still bother? Somebody said that the best thing about love and relationship is the fact that it constantly changing, taking new forms, reborn, evolve and therefore it can never lose its excitement. It is not easy and some simply gives up without trying.

As I look at my parents’ 30 years of marriage, I sit here thinking that the one thing I need to pay attention to is how they manage to stay together despite the ups and downs, through Dad’s bossiness and Mum’s silent looks; still trying to keep it together. I should learn about love, strength and endurance. And above all, I should learn to have faith and hope that not all is lost in love and war…

Jakarta, 10 May 2007